Day# 27

Today I am thankful for the few good deals I got while shopping on my lunch break, I am also thankful for online shopping that I finished tonight.  I am thankful for being able to sit in my pajamas and shop for Christmas, candles lit, watching the Polar Express with Brody, with food cooking for tomorrow.  I am equally thankful for being warm & cozy on this cold winter-like night.

Day# 26

Today I am thankful that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is coming on!  Brody has showered, we are clad in our pj's, have christmas mugs of hot chocolate & tons of mini marshmallows, and are snuggled up on the couch.  I remember doing this as a child and watching Rudolph was the start of the Christmas season!  It was so exciting for me as a child and now I can see it all through Brodys' eyes.  I am very thankful for these traditions!



Day# 25

Today I am thankful for this being a short week at work, the calm before the storm of next weeks tax due date.  Brody only has 2 days this week and with pending bad weather, maybe only one.  I am thankful this is only a 3 day week and hope the days fly by!

Day# 24

Today I am thankful that I am having my first of two Thanksgiving dinners.  Having a big, split family does have it's perks!  I've always had two celebrations of the holidays, it's just a part of life.  My mom, stepdad, brother, nieces, myself and Brody got together today and ate ourselves into a coma.  I'm most thankful that my son said the blessing for the family's meal.  He is so sweet and sincere sometimes I just want to cry.  So many things to be thankful for, my life sure hasn't turned out like I had planned it but I am really appreciating and understanding the things God has blessed my family & I with, be it what I asked for or not.

Day# 23

Today I am thankful for Brody's cousin Tizer spending the night with us Saturday night.  The boys are 2.5 years apart and they are so funny to be around when they are playing.  They come up with the funniest ideas and I love to hear them talk to each other when they don't think I can hear.  They fight like siblings but love each other very much.  I love having Tizer or Cabela spend the night and I can pile all the kids up in the bed and especially love to see them all in the morning when they wake up and realize they are here with us.  Tizer calls Brody "Brod" and it's so sweet.  "Come on Brod!  Let's go pway in your wroom Brod"  and of course Brody as the older and wiser cousin "Now Tizer, I am the adult and you will do what I say!"  This morning they were helicopter pilots flying through the jungle trying to kill the big T-rex that was running wild.  All the chopper noises, along with the screaming, stomping T-rex, it was quite entertaining! 
I remember years ago talking with my sister-in-law (aka: my sister/bff) about having our babies and it's really come full circle for us both.  We have our babies, who love each other, who we see several times a week, it's great and I couldn't ask for more!  I love those babies like they were my own and so glad the cousins get to grow up close in age and close in heart.  It's truly one of those life long dreams that have come true for me and I am completely blessed and thankful for that.

Day# 22

Today I am thankful that my middle niece Molly came over to spend the night with us.  I haven't seen her since summer and she is always a pleasure to have stay with us.  She is thirteen, sweet, quiet, loves to write and loves music.  She loves her cousin Brody, although she was pretty sick of him by the time Saturday rolled around.  We watched Hotel Transylvania Friday night and went to the mall and Barnes & Noble shopping on Saturday.  She helped me volunteer at the craft table at Brody's school for their annual holiday fundraising fair.  She's a very thoughtful and caring young lady.  I know she takes a back seat to her older sister sometimes but she deserves her own time to shine and I have every faith in her that she will.  It's pretty cool that I turn up Ed Sheeran and we both start belting out the songs, never missing a word.  She maybe a One Direction "fangirl" but she will always be my little Molly Squally.

Day# 21

Today I am thankful that the grocery store near my house started selling Christmas trees. We had to stop by to get something for a food drive at Brody's school & he was grouchy and that made me grouchy but we pulled in & saw the trees lined up & simultaneously yelled "Christmas trees!"  We stuck our faces as close as we could to the trees so we could smell that wonderful scent of fresh cut Christmas glory and after that we weren't so grumpy! I am so ready for Christmas, I'd bypass Thanksgiving completely if it weren't for the food!! 'Tis the season!

Day #20

Today I am thankful to go through my son's school folder and see all the things that he has accomplished in school.  Today I opened up his folder and saw this picture of a "zuw".....

 

And this picture of a "zipr", a "zgizag" and a "zebur"!

 

 

His teacher has told me that she teaches the children to 'write what they hear' and he's pretty much got that down!  This all just makes me smile!  I can't wait to show him one day when he is all grown up, hopefully he will appreciate that I saved this for him, along with everything else he's ever made a mark on since he was born! :)

 

 

 

 



Day #19

Today I am thankful for the cooking and eating of food!  I am thankful that so many of my fond family memories are centered around food and fellowship.  I grew up surrounded by women (and a few men) who loved to cook and knew how to very well.  I was always in the kitchen helping when I could, working in the garden after school (which was actually more like punishment at the time), canning vegetables, watching my Granny made apple butter and strawberry jam and helping her snap beans ALL summer long.  When I would stay with my father on the weekends he would cook these huge breakfast meals, that seemed to take hours to cook before we could sit down and eat.  He always took me out to dinner for my birthday, and that was always a treat!  My mom, Aunt, and Granny always cooked huge, wonderful meals.
I have always loved to cook, to watch these women cook, to learn how to make food taste extra good when you cooked it.  We didn't have cable growing up but I loved watching Yan Can Cook and Cookin' Cheap on PBS.  I love Asian cuisine and loved that Yan would always end his show with "If Yan can cook, so can You!!"  Makes me giggle just thinking about it.
When I was in high school we attended college day at Radford University and it had all the packets of info about all the different colleges and I saw one for a culinary institute in Baltimore.  I was shocked!  You could go to college for that!  I thought to myself how easy and fun would that be, I already know how to cook! I applied and was accepted into that school.  But I never went.  Fell in love with a boy or something like that.
In more recent years, I spent my evening meals and holidays with my husbands Grandmother.  Living with her for a while, I helped with the evening meals, which were usually four courses and some of the best home cooking there was.  I helped her with every holiday meal, she taught me how to set a formal dinner table, and how to make the best chicken and dumplings & bread pudding known to man.  This time of year is especially hard for me, missing her and the all the preparation that we did for the family for the holidays. 
I have had Brody on the counter tops beside me cooking since he hold himself up.  I've taught him how to measure for recipes and crack eggs without getting in shells, he loves to help me cook.  Sometimes I will pretend like I am on a cooking show, while I explain everything that I am doing in detail to him.  I am thankful for all the time in my life spent in the kitchen, with the people I love, cooking delicious, loving meals for my family, with family, through the generations of my family. 

Day# 18

I am thankful for all the ordinary items I use on a given day that make my life easier & make me happy & healthy.  Yes, I could most likely survive without these items, unhappily, but I wouldn't die. But could you imagine if you did not have these at all?  I am thankful for whomever invented the following items:

1. Toothpaste/brush
2. Razor
3. Deodorant
4. Q-tips (I might die without these)
5. Toilet paper
6. Chapstick (specifically Burt's bees peppermint)
7. Eating utensils
8. Pam cooking spray
9. Scissors
10. Vacuum
11. Gum
12. Debit card
13. Nail clippers

Thank you to the inventors of these items, I appreciate them every day!

Days # 15-17

I hate to lump a few days of thanks together, but the Beasley home was stricken with the stomach flu and life pretty much stops as you know it when that occurs.  I have not seen my son so sick in his life yet and I was in tears as he was sick repeatedly for 24 hours.  It started Friday morning after I had already left for work and being that it is the busiest time for me at work, I was unable to leave so first and foremost I am thankful to my mom and step-dad for taking care of him when I couldn't.  He was still very sick after work, late into Friday night.  Of course, once he finally passed out, I was unable to sleep afraid he would get sick in his sleep and choke.  Saturday we laid around all day catching up on sleep, washing blankets & pillows.  We didn't leave the house all weekend until this evening to go to the grocery store.  The past few days it was hard to find things to be thankful for, watching my normally cheerful, playful little boy turn into a pale, puny lump of meat & bones.  But in retrospect, I am thankful for being forced to stay at home and relax, I was able to catch up on a few movies.  I am also thankful for all the phone calls & messages from people checking on Brody & I, sending prayers and asking if we needed anything.  It's always nice to know that I have such a good support system within my friends and family.  I am very thankful that he has started to eat again this evening and seems to be feeling better.  Now lets just hope I don't get it!  I won't be able to find any thanks in that!

Day #14

Today I am grateful for this time of year, with the upcoming holidays, visiting family, decorating,  eating, snow, a new year of endless possibilities. Starting September through New Years, this is my favorite time of year. Slightly a long stretch but September kicks off fall with lots of family birthdays, into October & I just love Halloween,  next Thanksgiving full of great food & family, into Christmas! I love being a mother & an aunt during this time of year. I embrace every holiday with decorations & fun activities.  It is my busiest time of the year at work & it includes long, stressful hours but somehow I manage to keep the holiday spirit within & share that with Brody. He is at the most exciting age for Christmas & we are super excited to see Santa, get our tree, make Christmas gifts, watch movies & watch it snow. I love the hustle & bustle of the season & equally enjoy the cold, crisp winter nights where the sky is so clear & cold. I love living in Virginia where the summers are hot, the fall is gorgeous with colors & winter is snowy & magical. I am so thankful for my family & friends I will be spending these times with making memories & remembering holidays past and totally indulging in looking through my sons eyes & discovering all the magic of Christmas all over again!

Day #13

Today I am thankful for my friends. I have THE best friends ever! I have super close friends who know what I feel way deep down, who know my secrets, who have seen me cry, who have prayed with me, who no matter what I can text or call when I need to. I have a far away friend who I met at one of the worse times of our lives, discovering our first born babies had clubfeet. Whom we have bonded & share a deep admiration & love despite the 2,000+ miles between us. I have new friends that make me laugh & inspire me.  I have friends who I only see occasionally but we can pick up right where we left off last. I have old friends from school that I can keep up thanks to social networking.  I have friends I have made through my sons school.  I have friends of all backgrounds, religions,  shapes, colors & sizes.  I have friends who know way too much about me and others that only know what little I share. But each of my friends hold a special place in my heart, I love them ALL, my life would not be the same with out each of these special people in my life, no matter how big or little the role they play.  I have truly been blessed with some of the most spectacular friendships during this life & I am so deeply thankful for that!!

Day #12

I am thankful for the evenings we don't really have anywhere to go or anything to do. We can come home,  start cooking dinner (after I immediately change into my pj's), we go through my sons school folder & talk about his day, do his homework, watch a little television, have a good wrestling match on the floor and read a few books before bedtime. These nights I especially like being able to go to bed early, relaxed & not rushed. It seems a lot of our days are so routine & become lame but I am thankful for these evenings after a long stressful day at work I can come home & unwind with my favorite little human.

Day #11

Today I am very thankful I got to spend the afternoon with my dearest best friend shopping for her wedding dress with her daughter and friends. I never really got to experience that when I got married.  I headed into the dress shop, alone, and headed straight for the clearance rack when looking for my wedding dress.  Today was fun, full of laughs and was nice to just spend some time with girlfriends, sharing this special day with this very special woman.  It made me look forward to her wedding even more!  So thankful for her friendship and sharing so much of our lives together.  We have so much more to share and I look forward to it.  She is one of my friends that became family;  that you don't have to put make up on for, or clean up the house for and we are just as happy sitting on the couch watching a movie as we are going out to dinner together.  A no-frills friendship that began several years ago.  We have shared laughs, sadness, heartbreak, love, hate, blood, sweat & tears, literally. We share a deep love for our children and they have grown up together thus far.  I am so grateful for our friendship and love and the life moments that we have shared and have yet to share with each other, be good or bad, we will always be friends, forever!!

Day #10

This evening sitting at the dinner table, my son said "Do you know where this got it's name from?" (pointing to his hamburger) "No, where?" I replied.  Very seriously, he explained "Well, you eat this with your hands.....and it's a burger....so that's why they call it a handburger!"  Tonight, I am thankful for this explanation and the laughing that erupted afterward!

Day #9

Today I am thankful for this little spot of sunshine.  Two years ago, around this same time of year, I snapped a picture of my son playing in this sun-warmed spot on the floor and it has always been one of my favorite pictures of him.  Today I walked through and there he was driving his truck around in the sunshine square on the floor.  This time he had Clover jocking for position in that warm spot, they shared it pleasantly for a while until he crashed his truck into her and she ran off. 

Here is the picture from 2011

 

 

Here is the picture from today

 

 

Day #8

Today I am thankful that I have any hair left on my head!  I was cleaning my upstairs bathroom and little while ago and had lit a candle and set it on the sink.  I had cleaned the sink, toilet, had swept and mopped the floor, emptied the trash can...almost finished.  I was going over everything with one final Clorox wipe and was leaning over wiping the front of the sink cabinet.  I started to smell hair burning and I realized it was MY hair!!  I had my hair curly today so I had put some product on it this morning and I'm not sure if that made it worse or not but I had a singed streak of fried, frizzled little nubs of hair about 6 inches long down the side of head!!!  I literally could have lost all my hair!  Scared me too death!  I am very thankful the damage was minimal and I have learned that a candle sitting on the bank of the sink is less dangerous than the front!

Day #7

Today I am thankful that Brody draws me a picture every day.  I get one every evening when I pick him up after work.  I have saved everything that he has made a mark on since he could even hold a pen.  I have every school paper from Preschool and so far in Kindergarten.  I know I will need to stop collecting all of those at some point but right now they are all so original and he is so proud of all the work he does, it's just hard not keep them.  I have them all over the fridge and all over my desk at work.  I hope he never gets bored with drawing what he sees in his wild imagination and I hope the excitement he greets me with when presenting me with a new piece of artwork never dulls. 

Here are just a few that are currently being displayed.  Makes my heart smile!

Day #6

Today I am thankful for my mom and stepdad.  They help me everyday with transporting Brody to and from school.  They have kept him every week day since he was 4 months old, when I had to come back to work from maternity leave.  They know Brody as well as I do and have done more than I could have ever asked for without me ever having to ask.  I am so thankful for every little unspoken gesture and loving thing they do to make my life easier and Brody's more memorable.  I honestly have no idea how I could make it through this life with out them. 

Day #5

Today I am very thankful for my job. It is very stressful this time of year with all my deadlines mounting but I work with a great bunch of people and though the days can be fast paced and long, they are filled with laughter and hard working people!  I am thankful that I don't have to travel or have an extensive schedule.  I work close to home and can spend my lunch hour at home or running errands, I am home right after work and don't have far to go when I'm running behind in the mornings and between work and home is my sons school so I'm close to either all day.  It's a win win all the way around.  I'm very thankful for the blessing of a good job, as I know there are many out there that can't say the same.

Day #4

Today I am thankful that tomorrow is Election and the constant harassment of phone calls will end!  Every year it seems to get worse with the phone calls, mail, and advertisements.  Instead of having prerecorded messages, they should have a poll that asks if anyone has ever changed their vote because of a prerecorded phone call, mailed advertisement or commercial.  I can only assume that they are banking on the people who have not taken the time to educate themselves on the candidates or issues and when they blindly go to the polls, they see a name on the ballet and recall hearing that name on a message and decide to vote for them because they vaguely remember that name.  Sad, but most likely true.  Don't get me wrong, I love politics, I've never missed an election but come on....8 prerecorded messages in two days?!   

Day #3

"Hey Mom, Look how big my muscle is!!"

 

 

Today I am thankful for this little muscle, because it has kept me entertained all day! He has asked me to look at his muscle several times, each time making the funniest faces and making me laugh.  I'm very thankful that no matter how stuffy and stressed my head gets, he always finds a way to keep me laughing!

Day #2

Today I am most thankful for my son.  He was a dream of mine my entire life.  I always wanted to be a mother.  I always longed to have a son.  For years, I had his name picked out, long before he was ever even close to being conceived.  His first name, Brody, was chosen from the movie Jaws, after the Chief of Police, Martin Brody.  I always thought it would be adorable to call my little son Chief Brody and could picture him running around with a toy pistol shooting bad guys.  His middle name was carried down from the paternal side of the family, being the same middle name of his Great-grandfather, Grandfather and Father.  I was never more sure of anything, what my sons name would be. 
After our child was conceived, I anxiously awaited the ultrasound that would determine if I was in fact having a boy.  I had a quite miserable pregnancy, far from glowing.  We wanted to know the sex, and after the all the physical developments were examined, she scanned past something that I thought looked like an "indicator", then when she asked if we wanted to know the sex, I knew what I saw and I burst into tears.  I was having my son!
He was due in August but came 4 weeks early, unexpectedly.  I researched the traits of a Cancer astrological sign.  They are described as loving, gentle, sensitive, imaginative, loyal homebodies. He is exactly all of those things.  He LOVES his family so deeply, he is super sensitive and can easily get his feelings hurt, he is so funny and intelligent, he loves just being around the house playing and singing, or just snuggling on the couch with me watching a movie.  He loves cooking with me and helping me do chores.  He is quite the responsible five year old.  He draws me pictures, brings me every little rock, pine cone, or brightly colored leaf he finds in the yard.  If he finds me a heart-shaped rock, he is more excited than I.  He says our blessing at every meal and blows kisses up to the heavens.  He is respectful and well behaved, very wise beyond his years and so kind and loving. 
Selfishly and regretfully, he has experienced many things that children his age should never go through.  He has wiped away my tears many times but tells me several times a day just how much he loves and how good I am to him. 
I've always heard parents say 'you never really know love until you have a child'.  I can honestly say that is the truest statement I've ever experienced.  I had never felt such an intense range of emotions as when I became a mother.  The deepest, fullest, strongest love I have ever know, the most heavenly sense of pride as I watch him thrive, the most fierce fears, the intense desire to protect him.  It's nearly indescribable.  My life has changed completely because of my son.  He is the most peaceful, satisfying, prideful, truly, completely happiest part of my world.  I love him more than words could ever describe.  I could not be more blessed to be a mother, especially a mother to a wonderfully caring and thoughtful little boy as my son.  Everyday, I am so very thankful that God gave him to me and I am completely honored to be his mother. 

Day #1

Two years ago, in November, I wrote about what I was thankful for each day.  I have decided to do it again this year because I have so much to be thankful for!  So much has changed, just in the last year.  Today I have been trying to decide just which blessing I will write about on my first entry for this year and let me tell you, it's been truly hard to decide.  But I must give all my thanks to the good Lord.  He wakes me up every morning, He surrounds me with the absolute best family and friends I could ever have, He loves me, forgives me, provides everything I need in this life and thereafter. 
He gave me my son and keeps him healthy and happy and thriving.  We have a roof over our head and we are fed.  He gives us beautiful leaves on the trees and gorgeous sunrises and sunsets, especially this time of year.  Many times, I get down and my faith will waiver, but I continue to pray and He always provides.  He has carried me through the roughest of storms and picked me up off the floor when I was on my knees sobbing and crying.  He kept me strong when I was weak and lonely and reminded me of what was really important and worth the strength to carry on.
So, thank you Lord, on this first day of November, for my son, my family, my bestest friends,  my home, my career, the past, the present and for the future. 

Dear John,

In my dreams, I meet you in warm conversation.  You wrap your arm around my neck, pull me in and kiss my forehead.  I can feel your warm breath on my skin and I look up at you and you smile that smile.  You say nothing.  You don't need to.  I am safe. Happy.

But we both wake up in lonely beds, in different houses.

Time is taking its sweet time erasing you. You've got your demons, and, Darling, they all look like me.

I memorized your face like the words to my old favorite song.  Remembering you comes in echoes.  Moving on is impossible when I still see it all in my head, burning red.

I let it fall, my heart.  And as it fell, you rose to claim it.  My hands, they're strong but my knees were far too weak to stand in your arms, without falling to your feet. 

The playful conversation starts, I counter all your quick remarks, like passing notes in secrecy.  Now, I'm pacing back and forth wishing you were at my door.  I'm wonder-struck. I'll spend forever wondering if you knew just how enchanted I was to meet you.

Never a kiss nor a touch.  How can one be affected this much?  Behind every lyric you stand, every word I write that will never be read.  The mind is a canvas for what it wants to paint.  Your heart only remembers what it desires to.  But truth be known, it was real. You were there. I was here. Autumn leaves were falling down like pieces into place, and I can still picture it after all these days.

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it.  I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it.  I lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules everyday, wondering which version of you I might get on the phone each night.  There's a side to you that I never knew.  All things you said, they were never true. And the games that you played, you would always win.

Please forgive me for my sins.  Yes, I swam dirty water, but you pushed me in.  Now you will add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand.

And I'll forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to...

So casually cruel in the name of being honest.

 I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here,
'Cause I remember it all....all too well.

Thank you, Sir!

This morning on my way to work, hunger got the best of me and I was craving a greasy, fattening sausage biscuit for breakfast.  I had enough time to stop, so I pulled into the fast food joint next to work.  There are two entrances to the parking lot and as I pulled in, I noticed two other cars pulling into the parking lot from the other entry way.  Myself and the other car pulled up relatively at the same time and the end of the line.  He was a man my age, in a little sports car.  Behind him was an elderly man in an nicely kept, older model truck.  The younger man and I tried inching our way into the line at the same time and it was apparent that he wasn't letting me cut in.  I wondered where his manners were and assumed his hunger got the best of him or perhaps he was just rude.  So, I check the clock and decide I will sit back and wait for an easy opening and get in the back of the line.  The cars pull up and I sit there, letting the elderly man move up.  He smiled and motioned for me to go in front of him.  I waved, smiling, and pulled up, ordered my biscuit and waited to pay.  Clearly, the difference between this generation and the ones previous.  I wanted to get out and tell that elderly man how much I appreciated his gesture and not let it go unspoken but didn't want to seem crazy.  As I pulled up to pay, it hit me!  I asked the cashier if could pay for his meal and she grinned saying "Yes Ma'am, of course!"  She rang us both up and I pulled out and headed to work.  His order was only $2.58 but it was worth much more than that to me.  I hope he realized how much this woman appreciates manners and politeness, no matter how small the action, because I see it less and less these days.  That's the first time I've ever paid for a strangers meal before and given the opportunity again to return a kindness such as today, I would most likely do it again.  You never know when kindness will be returned to you, so it is best to show it all the time.  You never know when you may get a free meal from doing so!

Today in a nutshell.....

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,
And you're doing your best to avoid me.

I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us,
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here,
But you held your pride like you should've held me.

I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,
I've never heard silence quite this loud.

This is looking like a contest,
Of who can act like they care less,
But I liked it better when you were on my side.

The battle's in your hands now,
But I would lay my armor down
If you said you'd rather love than fight.

I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,
I've never heard silence quite this loud.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking.
And I'm dying to know, Is it killing you like it's killing me?

Lyrics by Taylor Swift

Cooking with Estelle

My Granny cooked for her family three times a day, seven days a week.  Fried eggs, sausage, had homemade strawberry jam & apple butter on handmade biscuits for breakfast.  Spam & tomato sandwiches for lunch. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, another round of handmade biscuits at dinner.  She always had a tin full of brownies and a lemon pound cake or yellow cake with chocolate icing on the table.  She was in the kitchen 90% of her day, always wore an apron over her house dress, her long grey hair neatly wrapped into a bun, secured with hair net.  She was advanced in age when I was a child, as my father was her baby of eight children.  I loved visiting her.  She did not overindulge with words, though she would tell a story from her younger days from time to time.  I would sit at the table and watch her, for what seemed like hours.  She seemed to work nonstop, effortlessly. 

I can't recall if I always ate all her lemon pound cake, which forced her to make another, or if she just always waited until I was there with her to make one.  But that is a process that I remember and cherish with all my heart.  She had a certain pan she baked it in and she had a small baking tin for me. I loved that little tin.  She would have me grease it with Crisco and flour it.  She would leave just enough batter for me to fill up my little tin.  I would patiently sit and watch those little cakes rise and bake to sweetened perfection.  She always dabbed a little bit of icing on them for me.  It was pure magic. 

When the time came for our family to sort & divide her belongings,  I hadn't stepped foot in her house for far too long.  I was in my early twenties then and hadn't baked anything in that kitchen, regretfully, for several years.  I had no idea if I would be able to find that little tin.  The fear of being disappointed was nearly overwhelming.  I remember walking into the kitchen that smelled & looked the same, although the heart of that kitchen was gone.  I nervously walked over to the stove, pulled open the bottom drawer, and there it was waiting there just for me.  My heart smiled. 

I've had that tin in my kitchen for years now.  Last week, I made cupcakes for my son's class and I pulled out that tin and handed it to him.  I have been setting him on the counter top beside me since he could sit up on his own while I prepared the meals for my family.  He saw that little baking tin and said "Is this for me?"  I smiled at his smile.  We sprayed Pam on it, rather than greasing it up with Crisco, he held the mixer and spooned out enough batter to fill those little cups.  He watched as those little cakes bake into that sweetened perfection, just as I did many years before.  I pulled them out of the oven, popped the little cakes out, dabbed a little bit of icing and we gobbled them up as fast as we could! 

I told Brody of the story behind that tin and he grinned.  I knew my Granny was in the kitchen with us that day.  She always is.  So many memories made in a kitchen, past and present.  So thankful to share something like that with my son.  I don't have an expensive house or jewelry but that little tin is worth more to me than any of those things.  That is my childhood, some of the warmest, happiest times I shared with my Granny in her kitchen, now I am sharing with my own child in ours.

Good Love is On the Way

Listening to a song this evening, a song I have heard a thousand times, but it gave me chills tonight.  I realized all the times I'd heard it before I longed to be at that point, I knew I'd get there.  Finally, I got there....

 

Three years broken hearted,
Now the ghost is finally gone.
Done with broken people.
This is me, I'm workin' on, 

'cause I know

Good love is on the way.
I'll be lonely but I know I'll be okay
Good love is on the way.

 

-John Mayer

"Good Love Is On the Way"

Open mouth....insert foot

My sons teacher sent home a note Friday in his folder.  The note was telling me how well he was doing in class so far this year and his progress.  The handwriting was pure perfection and I was very pleased to receive a note praising my child.  There was only one little problem...she spelled his name wrong. She spelled it Brodie and it is spelled it Brody.  Not a big deal, right?! Well, not to this Type A, OCD Momma!  I may have mentioned in Brody's presence that I was mildly offended by this error.  As perfect as her handwriting, having put the note in his folder which clearly had his name printed on the front (which she wrote) and inside the folder as well, it was just so shocking that his name be misspelled. 
Over the weekend, I let it go.  She is responsible for 18 Kindergartners you know.  So, Monday comes and goes.  I open Brody's folder and there is another note in his folder.  This note is apologizing for the oversight, Brody had pointed her error out to her. GASP!  What. Did. My. Child. Tell. Her!!  In a split second, I am mortified.  I quickly round up Brody and ask him to describe to be this conversation he had with his teacher.  Of course, he doesn't quite recall much about it other than "I think I may have told her you were mad she spelled my name wrong."  WHAT!?  Oh dear....
Needless to say, there is a lovely little card in his folder for his teacher tomorrow!  Lesson Learned.

I Won't Forget

September 11, 2001

I remember that late summer day was gorgeous.  The sky was the bluest blue and the air was crisp.  I had just turned 23 a few days before.  I was working for a small gas company, CJ&S Oil Company.  My wedding was planned for October 6.  I went to work that morning like normal.  I walked into my co-workers office and heard the DJ on the radio say there had been a plane that accidentally crashed into the World Trade Center in NY.  I remember imagining it to be a small Cessna plane.  I went back to my office where I turned on my radio and it was reported that it was a large passenger plane.  There were only about 8 employees there at the time.  All were older and they had all been employed there much longer that I had.  I had a small 4 inch travel television and I lived close so my boss let me go home and get it and bring it back to work.  I remember I drove home as fast as I could and put it on CNN as soon as I unlocked the door.  I saw the images of the crash and it was not small.  I remember standing there with my mouth hung open.  I grabbed the travel t.v. and drove back to the office.  I got it plugged in and turned on just in time to see he second plane hit.  It was inexplicable at that moment.  All of us huddled around this tiny television.  I called my fiance and we shared what we had heard and saw.  I don't believe that I can recall ever such a desperation to be at home as I did in that moment.  I just wanted to go home, lock the doors, and watch the news.  As the reports came in of other hijacked flights and terrorist attacks it became apparent that I was experiencing the biggest, most frightening moment of my life.  We weren't allowed to leave early and I remember that 5pm could not come fast enough. 
We totally emerged ourselves in watching the footage on the news.  I remember crying, sobbing watching people jump to their death to escape the burning hell they were trapped in.  Hearing the phone calls of people calling their loved ones from the hijacked planes and burning buildings.  It was the most heart wrenching experience.  The President cancelled all air traffic that night and I remember walking outside that night to let my dog out and I remember looking up at the stars thinking of all those souls that had entered heaven that day.  There were no exhaust trails in the sky, no blinking red plane lights.  It was an eerie feeling.  A sight I have never experienced before and hope to never experience again.  A night sky with no planes passing through. 
I had been attending church regularly for months prior to this day and I know I prayed more deeply and desperately than ever before. We totally engulfed ourselves in the footage, the crushing stories, the final words and I love you's from the family members, reports of the magnitude of the loss of life.
Our wedding took place less than a month later.  We honeymooned at Myrtle Beach.  I remember sitting out on Pier 14 one night fishing and there was plane that came in extremely low to land at the nearby airstrip and I remember a panic came over us.  Never before had a plane coming in for a landing been so frightening.
I was baptized that November.  My Granny was able to attend both my wedding and baptism.  My brother and his wife were expecting their first child.  I didn't own a cell phone and I was not on facebook.
I do still live in the same house as back then.  We produced a handsome son out of that marriage.  My brother's daughter was born the next spring, healthy and beautiful as ever. My Granny, all of my husbands grandparents, and my dog (our first baby) Randy, have all since passed.  My marriage ended and I no longer attend the church I had attended for all those years.   I wish we could have back today a fraction of the patriotism felt in the days and weeks after the attack on our nation.  It was spectacular all the flags being proudly hung on homes and businesses. The world and the capabilities of the sick people who live in it are more terrifying that ever and hardly anyone hung their flags out today.  I feel so callused anymore.  Back then I felt like I had my entire life ahead of me and though I should have did some things differently in the past few years, I'm extremely blessed and thankful I got to live it, unlike thousands of people that September day.

And now..Deep Thoughts....

If God, the Universe, fate, destiny (whatever you prefer to call it) aligns two people to cross paths repeatedly, shouldn't you take a moment to recognize that maybe you are supposed to see that person?  That you are supposed to have that person in your thoughts...in your life?  If you are trying to avoid something or someone but it is constantly in your sight, at every random place you find yourself isn't that some sign that you should stop avoiding and just accept that they are there and it is supposed to be that way?  Or do you think it is a constant test of will?  I don't think any force of nature is that cruel.  I believe that if the signs are there, you can only put them off for so long.  There is always a higher power at work, sometimes you just have to listen to what it's telling you.

Dear Diary...

Recently, I started a diary...perhaps calling it a journal would sound more mature.  This journal is many years past due and I regret that immensely.  I wish now that I would have started this journal years ago, most notably after my son was conceived.  I am the type that thought "oh..I don't need to write this down...I'll remember this..."  Now I'm discovering that I have forgotten many of the magical little moments that my life has had and it saddens me.
When my son was born, hardly any pictures were taken, no videos, nothing really documented like I would like to read or see now.  I was so overwhelmed being a new mother, especially to a newborn with a birth defect, who was born 4 weeks early, and was struggling to nurse.  I could barely get a shower in much less keep a detailed journal of my sons life.  I do have a baby book that I filled out as much as I could but if I had it to do over again I would document everything but then again I wouldn't have been able to spend so much time bonding and enjoying him if I had my nose stuck in a book or on the computer.  My mother kept boxes and boxes of things from our childhood and even as a child I loved sitting down looking through all the photo albums and little treasures she held onto over the years.  After countless moves, those boxes and photo albums were drug all over creation.  Looking back now, I appreciate that she made such an effort to hang onto those things for us. Although I am a few years behind, I hope to note and save all these things for Brody and his family one day to look back and laugh and enjoy the memories all over again. 
I am also finding that it is cheaper and more releasing than therapy.  No matter how much I trust my therapist, I still find that I don't tell her everything.  No one on this earth will ever really know the true depths of my heart and in all honesty...no one should know all the corners of my thoughts!  I have joked recently that I should write a book about my life and perhaps these daily logs will be a great reference one day.  It's quite risky & exciting to document the brutally honest feelings that I have through out the day....all the things I would like to say to people but I don't...all the things I dream about...my desires..my disappointments...it's me...my heart...my mind...in black & white.  Maybe no one will ever read these entries or maybe it will be the best selling book that gives my son his future fortune and early retirement. Maybe it will like in 'The Notebook' and my best friend will come sit beside my bed when I am old & feeble-minded and read to me the words I wrote about my life myself. Who knows.

 "A journal is the path of pebbles you leave behind you, so you have the security of knowing you can always return." Samara O'Shea

"This life would kill me if I didn't have you....."

Practical Magic

Flipping through the channels tonight I see that the movie Practical Magic is on.  My best friend back then, Jill (whom I called Jilly Bean-same as one of the characters in the movie) and I loved this movie when it came out in 1998 (can't believe it was that long ago!).  I had totally forgotten the soundtrack to this film.  We had many mixed drinks singing "you put the lime in the coconut"...makes me grin just thinking about it.  As I watched it tonight the movie ended up being a bit silly in parts. I didn't recall that from watching it years ago.
 Although, I can't say that I believe in witches in the sense that they fly around on brooms but I certainly will say that I believe in magic.  I believe in deja vu because I've had it too many times not to.  I believe in thinking of someone you haven't in months and then receiving a call from them or seeing them a few days after isn't just a coincidence. I believe in wishing on falling stars and that finding four leaf clovers is lucky.  I believe in fate and destiny and hope and love.  I believe in that spark, that magic that happens between people that can never be undone once it's sparked, no matter how hard you try to drown it.  So much has happened the past 2 years in my life and at this point I only have faith and hope to hang onto and to keep me going.
 One of the songs in the movie was by Stevie Nicks called "If you ever did believe". I remember hearing it years ago and knowing it was one of those songs.  I LOVE me some Stevie Nicks.  Her songs have been a part of my life as far back as I can remember. My parents had her records and I would sneak & listen to them as a young girl.  I haven't heard this song in years but as soon as I heard the first few guitar chords I could literally visualize all the lyrics of this song in my head swarming around, even after 15 years.  It means something to me now, but differently than it did back then.  It wasn't a "chart topper" by any means but it's one of those little overlooked things, one of those neglected songs that should have been bigger than it was.  I believe that it was meant for me to see that movie tonight and hear this song again now. Magic.

 http://youtu.be/lppPiUyIyt8

"If you ever did believe" Stevie Nicks

You've left me now
and it seasoned my soul.
And with every step you take,
I watch another part of you go...

I continue to build a wall.
You were so strong,
I fell to my knees.
And I don't think I can handle this at all...

Well, one more night
I'd like to lie and hold you
Yes and feel...
To make you smile,
I'd like to be there for you--
Have you forgotten me?

And the days go by
Doing nothing about them...
How much time will I have to spend?

My mind won't rest and I don't sleep,
Not even in my dreams.

If you ever did believe,
for my sake.
If you ever did believe....

And the days go by
Doing nothing about them...
How much time will I have to spend?

One more night
I'd like to lie and hold you
Yes and feel...
To make you smile,
I'd like to be there for you--
Have you forgotten me?

http://youtu.be/lppPiUyIyt8

Surreal

If someone would have told me 15 years ago that my life would be what it is today, I would have thought they were certifiable.  There is no way that I would have ever, in a million years, thought I would have experienced what I have, nor would I have ever imagined I would be in the place I am.  It is hard to wrap my brain around all that has happened.  I know that there any many people who have experienced much worse than I.  I guess it's one of those...that will never be me...I will be happily married with 3 kids...building my dream home by the time I am 35...well, so far it isn't happening that way...far from it.  Each day that occurs seems to bring with it something new and uninvited to my life.  I have certainly stopped saying to myself "can it get worse?" because YES it can.  The things that have happened in the last two years were never supposed to happen to me.  Apparently, God intended it that way and I'm sure he saw every step I have taken along the way before I even thought about taking that step.  It is just so surreal to me.  But I will get though it, I have no choice but to get through it.

I learned that from you.....

Last evening, Brody pulled a cd out of the case & said he wanted to hear it.  It was Sara Evans (whom I think is the most beautiful woman alive!) and I listened to it on and off today.  On my way back from lunch this song came on and I remembered hearing before but never really paid that much attention to it.  Well, let me tell you, by the time the song was finished I was slumped down in my seat with tears flowing.  Felt a punch in the gut.

I remember the windows rolled down and the wind in my hair.
Driving 'round in your Daddy's old Chevy
Like we were going somewhere.
We thought that summer would last us forever...
Going steady was just something you do.

I didn't know much about love...
I learned that from you.

Now those were some good times,
Lately they don't seem to last.
I guess I'm not nearly as strong as a drink in your glass.
And the nights just get later,
I can stay up and wait or just go on to bed like I do.

I never knew nothing about lonely....
I learned from that you.

One night while the whole world was turning I left you a note.
And I told you that I'd always miss you...
Then I let you go.
Now, I'm living outside of some town I ain't heard of.
And I think about the boy that I knew.

I didn't know you could fall out of love...
I learned that from you.

And I learned how to kiss on a Ferris wheel.
And I made wishes at wishing wells.
And I fell into that fairytale too.
And I know that love ain't so easy,
But we tried, didn't we baby...
It's alright.
Some dreams weren't meant to come true...
I learned that from you.

I remember the windows rolled down
And the wind....

Heaven

It is Easter Sunday morning, Brody is relieved that the Easter Bunny came and delivered him some pretty good stuff.  He was really stressing over it because he went to bed at 9:17pm last night and thought the bunny had hopped over our house because he was still awake.  He broke the helicopter the Easter Bunny brought him in less than 2 minutes...El Destructo at his finest. 

He was whispering all the way down the stairs, thinking the E.B. may still be in the house. He was so excited about E.B. coming and what he might leave for him.  We made it down the stairs and saw the goodies on the couch and Brody was happy!  He was showing me everything and said he was most pleased with the helicopter!  He stopped and looked up toward the sky and blew kisses up saying "you get a million kisses Easter Bunny!" Such a sweet, pure hearted child.

He was sitting in the floor playing and it hit me...I didn't record any of that! Totally absorbed in the moment & didn't even think about it!  There are so many times I wish I would have recorded or taken pictures (even though I take a lot of pictures!) before the moment is gone and is but a memory I have to hold onto forever. 

I hope when I die and go to Heaven there is a "life movie" I can watch of all these precious moments that being too caught up in the moment I forgot to record.  I know God watches over Brody & I and I hope one day to see what He sees as our lives hurry by.  Wouldn't it be great to sit in my newly perfected body and watch all these moments, the moments that define me and bring me joy here on earth, on a big screen in Heaven!

Happy Easter Everyone!

School Day

Today I had the pleasure of going to school with my son to eat lunch and hang out in his classroom for a few hours.  Unfortunately, it was not steak & gravy day but the hotdog and salad was pretty good.  I love all the children in his pre-k class and have come to know most of them fairly well throughout the school year.  I love sitting at the lunch table with them, talking and laughing.  They all say the funniest things! 
I was asked to read to the class an easter book and it was so much fun!  I really should have been a teacher!  When I was a little girl I had a chalk board in my room and I remember lining up all my stuffed animals on my bed, pretending to teach them.  It felt just like that, only real children, my own child!  I really enjoyed myself and wish I was able to do stuff like that more frequently.  I recently bought chalkboard paint and plan on painting one of my sons walls so we can practice writing, especially over the summer. 
After reading, it was inside recess and we played with the blocks and pretended to have birthday parties for the group of children playing with us.  We giggled and it was really fun, if even for a just a little while, just being a kid again!

Belief

I have been trying to decide on how much of my life I want to write about on this blog.  I'd consider myself a fairly private person and have been taught that you shouldn't "air your dirty laundry".  Therefore,  I will not go into great detail but my life came to a crossroads and I had to make a decision I never thought I would. 
I married my high school sweetheart when I was 23 years old.  When I got married, I had dreams of building a home, which child would get the freckles, trips we would take, and all the many, many years of our lives we would share together.  I came from a divorced home and married into a family that had not seen a divorce.  I promised to be there forever, through the good times and the bad, through sickness and health.  I meant it, with every inch of my being.  As the years past, there were good times and there were bad times, there were sicknesses and healthy times.  There were times we had little and times that we had more than we needed.  They weren't always what I imagined them to be but it was my life and I accepted it as it was. 
I believe in God.  I believe His word.  I believe in having faith and the promise of everlasting life.  I believe in forgiveness, giving & receiving.  I believe that God knows every hair on my head and what your life beholds you before you ever do.  I believe that God will give you what you can handle (gracefully or not).  I believe in prayer & I believe in fate.  I do not think it's a mere coincidence when you run into someone or that you can't seem to shake something from your mind.  I believe that God places people in just the right place, at just the right time.  He gives you what you need, when you need it if you realize it at that time or not.  I have made mistakes and made decisions that will effect many people for the rest of their lives.  That's a big burden to carry.  However, I know that God knows what is truly in my heart and I don't believe that I would feel the way I do if it weren't right.  I am completely at peace with my choices, for I know I gave everything I had to give.  This is not the life I planned to live but there comes a time when you have to decide to take your own life by the horns.  No one can "make" you happy.  You have to decide that for yourself.  When things become so stressful and so dim, you feel like there is nothing to look forward to.  You want so desperately to hold onto the thinnest ray of light, to salvage what you can, to turn it all around and find"true happiness".  Yes, that is noble, it's respectable, however, it's not realistic.  When do we stop believing that we are worth self happiness?  Why is it expected that we have to sacrifice our own dignity, our own peace for someone else to be happy? Just so the onlookers of this cruel world can believe that our lives are perfect and happy?  All that matters is how you feel when you lay down your head at night and when you lay down your heart before God.  You simply can't change people and you shouldn't need to change for anyone else.  That sounds so cliche but I've learned this lesson wholeheartedly.  Perhaps, to some, my choices are utterly selfish.  But once time has passed, it's passed.  Life on earth goes by so quickly, I actually become frightened at the speed in which my child is growing.  Between work & school & house work the day is gone in a flash. I just want to be happy.  I want to be at peace in my mind.  I want my son to be a child while he is a child.  Too soon enough he will have responsibility, stress, and decisions of his own to make.  I want to give him the most happy life he can imagine and provide him all the tools he will need to battle each day that lies ahead of him.  Have I made the right decisions for him, for me?  Only time will tell. I will gladly carry any regret I may have because that load has got to be lighter than carrying guilt & ill feelings. One of my favorite song lyrics is "All you need is love is a lie, because we had love but we still said goodbye.  Now we are tired, battered fighters." I'm picking up the pieces and putting a new life together. I have no idea what the future holds for me but I have faith that what is meant to be simply will be.

I interrupt this program....

As I was so relaxed and content last night, we crawl in bed and read our chapter of "Charlotte's Web", we say our prayers and off to sleep we go. A few hours into my lovely slumber my eyes pop wide open. "Why I am awake?" I think to myself.  I roll over to look at the clock and see what time it is and it's 12:15 am.  Hmm...why am I awake....I roll back over and look at my son then his eyes pop open and he sprays vomit everywhere!  I guess me waking up unexpectedly, for apparently no reason, was God's little way of getting my face out of the way of the gross zone.  Thank you, I am very appreciative! 
Anyone who knows me, knows I am a germ-o-phobe.  I have always, as far back as I can remember in my earliest memories, have despised throwing up.  Pretty sure there is no one on the planet that enjoys it by any means, but I especially dislike it.  Even as an adult, I will cry and practically flop myself around in the floor if I get the stomach flu.  I never open my eyes, just flush it away so I won't have that sight burned into my memory forever.  But when it comes to my son, all that vanishes and I'm kissing his head and rubbing his back and wiping his mouth and wearing it without even a flinch.
I remember last night, as I was writing about my lovely, calm, warm winters evening, "I'm gonna jinx myself and something bad will happen!" And sure enough it did!   But my son is feeling better for the most part, not eating but drinking ginger ale.  We got nearly zero sleep last night, so it's been nice to be lazy on the couch today in between the 7 loads of laundry I have been working on to clean all the sheets, blankets, clothes we went through last night.
Please stomach bug, I beg of you, leave our home without infecting me!

Warmth

I'm not sure if warmth could be considered a feeling, but in my home this evening it is.  The weatherman is calling for more winter weather tonight and my little boy is most certainly looking forward to a snow day tomorrow.  We have dumped a countless number of ice cubes in our toilets (as instructed by his teacher) and we will be wearing our pajamas inside out as we sleep.  Our tummies are full of good homemade chicken pot pie, courtesy of my mother and brownies that Brody & I made the other night.  I have a few candles lit, my fuzzy slippers on, a nice hot cup of coffee in my hand, getting settled in for a quiet, winters evening at home.  I can hear Brody from the other room singing a song that is clearly an original of his, only to be interrupted briefly by a "vroom..vroom..." noise he makes while he rides his truck across the couch.   Tonight I feel warm, content and peaceful.  Even though I hear the cold rain falling down outside the window, it's cozy in my little home, full of warmth.  There is an underlying excitement as we await the winter weather ahead. But I can imagine it precisely, a small piece of heaven on earth, when I slide into my bed shortly and completely melt into it. And the love and pride I feel as I listen to my son say his prayers before we fall into our nights slumber.  We have had plenty of snow this winter season and I am most certainly a summer girl at heart, but on nights like tonight, I appreciate the warmth of home on this cold winters night.

“Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.” Edith Sitwell

"Comes The Dawn"

My dearest Aunt sent me this piece of poetry a few months back while I was in the middle of a struggle.  I had forgotten about it until I just found it lost in some papers around my desk.  Once again, I needed to read this.  Funny how things like that seem to occur, just when it seems I need them the most.  Just another reason I believe in fate & timing.  The older I get the more I look back and realize how all things happen the way they should.  I desperately want something to happen and it just doesn't and I drive myself partially insane questioning the "why's" of it all.  However, I know there is something much larger at work.  It always reminds me that it's simply a matter of having faith, because in the end, no matter how much gloom I feel about a situation, I always seem to end up alright, frazzled...but alright.  I have the best friends, family, and an angel here on earth in my son.  I have endless blessings and I appreciate all the little reminders that I get along the way...so thank you my dearest Aunt Joyce for sending this to me months ago so I could find it again tonight.....

Comes The Dawn

by Veronica A. Shoffstall

 

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and changing a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security and loneliness is universal.  And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.  And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and yours eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.  And you learn to build your hopes on today because tomorrows have a way of falling apart in mid-flight.  Yet each new step taken in a new direction creates a path toward the promise of a brighter dawn.  And you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.  So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers!  And you learn that love, true love, always has joys & sorrows, seems ever present, yet is never quite the same.  Becoming more than love and less than love - so difficult to define.  And you learn that through it all, you really can endure!  That you really are strong! That you do have worth!  And you learn and learn, with every goodbye you learn!