"Father Forgets"

By W. Livingston Larned


Listen, son; I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.

There are things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.

At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, "Goodbye, Daddy!" and I frowned, and said in reply, "Hold your shoulders back!"

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came Up the road, I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were expensive - and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, from a father!

Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door. "What is it you want?" I snapped.

You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding - this was my reward to your for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: "He is nothing but a boy - a little boy!"

I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother's arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much.

Resolutions...Challenges.....

Resolutions...
I have been pondering on what my resolutions will be for the new year.  At the end of 2011 I made a few personal resolutions and so far, have held true to them.  I want to expand my horizons a bit and in the meantime increase my knowledge of certain subjects, in addition, possibly go back to school.  I'm hoping to travel this year, with my most desirable destination being California.  I definitely want to expose my son to many new adventures and experiences as well.  Of all the things I am considering, really the only actual resolution I am making is to spend more time with my family, mainly my brother in North Carolina, my aunt and dad.  As much as I love technology and the expansions it allows me to "see" my family and friends....what happened to good ole family reunions in the park?  I have gotten lazy, depending on texts and emails and facebook to see what my family is up to, that actual face time is few and far between.  I am blessed to have most of my family relatively close in distance.  So, I'm not letting myself make excuses in the future where that is concerned.

Challenges....
I challenged myself during the month of November by posting, each day, things that I am thankful for...and I was successful in doing that. Along the same lines as that, I am challenging myself to read a "classic" book each month.  I tried googling a list of the top ten classic books of all time.  Of the several lists I looked at, they all had different books on them, apparently beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.  I remember seeing a shelf of classic books at Barnes & Noble while Christmas shopping, so I think I am going to start there first.  Some of the books I had already read in school, but how much do you really read a book when you are required to?  I'm hoping that reading some of these classic novels will help guide me in my writing endeavors.  At the suggestion of my brother, I am currently reading "How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.  So far so good, so I might be adding some self improvement books to my list as well.

At this point in my life I am discovering that there is always room to grow, you should always want to improve yourself, not only for yourself but for all the others in the world that have to encounter you as well!