Questions

Why can't he just be what I need him to be?
Why can't he change?
Why can't he see?
Am I really strong enough to do this?
What is more important?
How will this effect everyone?
How will he feel about this?
Will this work?
Why isn't this working?
Am I not important enough?
Is he not important enough?
What is more important?
Am I really strong enough to do this?
Why doesn't he get it?
When is it going to change?
Why isn't this working?
Why can't he see?
Am I doing the right thing?
Will I regret this?
Why doesn't he just stop?
Why is he intentionally hurting me?
Why I am the bad guy?
Why can't everyone see?
Why is no one listening?
Why can't he just change?
Am I really strong enough to do this?
Why isn't this working?
Why am I being punished?
How much longer will this last?
Why can't I stop crying?
Is this really for the best?
Can I do this on my own?
Why are you rubbing her in my face?
Why can't you just stop?
Why can't I stop crying?
How much longer will this last?
Why didn't this work?
What do I do now?
Am I really strong enough to do this?
Why do I feel this way?
Why can't this be easier?
What am I doing wrong?
Why didn't you just do right by us?
Why was it so hard for you to just change?
Why do I feel so weak?
How much longer will this last?
Why can't I stop crying?
Am I really strong enough to do this?

Begin Again

Have you ever come across a song that moves you emotionally so much that you put it on repeat and listen to it endlessly for weeks?  Have you ever had a song land in your lap with the most perfect timing you feel as though it was written just for you?  That happened to me today.  I got Taylor Swift's new album today.  Go ahead and make jokes, but if you ever truly listened to her lyrics you would quickly understand this young woman is no bubble gum pop princess.  There is certainly an age difference between us, how much I will not disclose, but her soul is from another time and place that is rarely seen in this age of digital downloads.
I put in her cd and it's been playing since we got home, randomly hearing the songs as I pass through between dinner & cleaning up.  I hear this one verse about having more James Taylor records or something like that and of course it stops me in my tracks.  I start the song over and before the end of the chorus I am crying my heart out.  It's been on repeat ever since, along with my tears.  This is one of those moments where it's nice to know someone out there felt the exact same way as I do.  It's hard to explain the feeling when it happens but I'm sure there are many music lovers who have experienced this connection with a song. 
So, as I haven't reached the point in my life that she wrote about in this song, I know it's what I will feel one day soon.....as I begin again.....

http://youtu.be/SOw4EfQK72o

begin again

took a deep breath in the mirror

he didn't like it when i wore high heels...but i do.

turn the lock and put my headphones on

he always said he didn't get this song...but i do.

walked in expecting you'd be late

but you got here early and you stand and wave.

i walk to you, you pull my chair out and help me in.

and you don't know how nice that is...but i do.

and you throw your head back laughing like a little kid.

i think it's strange that you think i'm funny cause he never did.

i've been spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does

is break...and burn...and end....

but on a wednesday in a cafe...i watched it begin again....

 

you said you never met one girl who

 had as many james taylor records as you...but i do.

we tell stories and you don't know why

i'm coming off a little shy...but i do.

i think it's strange that you think i'm funny because he never did.

i've been spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does

is break...and burn...and end....

but on a wednesday in a cafe...i watched it begin again....

 

and we walked down the block, to my car

and i almost brought him up.

but you start to talk about the movies that

your family watches every single christmas

and i want to talk about that...

and for the first time...what's past is past...

i think it's strange that you think i'm funny because he never did.

i've been spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does

is break...and burn...and end....

but on a wednesday in a cafe...i watched it begin again....

 

 



Enough

I would have to say that the last year of my life has presented me with more challenges than I ever could have imagined.  None of which I desired.  I love a challenge and the feeling of satisfaction and pride I feel after conquering it.  However, the challenges that I am speaking of have changed my life so completely. I have fought many battles, learned many lessons, cursed and cried more times that I can count.  I have been forced to feel self respect, exhibit self control, to release dreams, and create new goals.  I have experienced every human emotion at least three times and I am pretty sure I felt a few emotions that have not existed until now.  I'd like to be able to say that I have made all the right decisions for myself and my son but who is to say that until enough time has passed to look back and recognize.  The struggle is constant between my heart and my brain.  There should be a pill that will separate the two and let your brain lead the way at all times.  There are times I find myself visualizing the reactions I would prefer to have so vividly that my heart races.  Instead, I am forced to make better judgement and hold my tongue & fists in place. There are times I just sit and cry for hours. Sometimes I feel so alone and other times so empowered and free.  The range of emotions that I feel are quite exhausting.  I am hoping that someone will create a way to erase memories, people, pain like in the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". I try to tell myself that all these experiences are making me strong, that they are in fact making me better.  Many times I just tell myself that I really need to stop talking to myself.  My faith has wavered at times.  People have let me down.  I've hurt more deeply that I ever thought was possible.  A brave face is merely a superficial misrepresentation of what is truly on the inside.  I sincerely hope that I will be stronger and braver and better when my life has fallen into it's place.  I want to be happy. I want to feel loved.  I want to feel safe.  I want to be able to trust.  I want my son to be an intelligent, brave, strong, courageous man who is respectful and able to make decisions on his own and make his own way in this life. I'm trying. I will die trying.