What my heart sounds like....

I guess I could say that I am in repair, healing from a failed marriage & years of emotional intimidation and living a life of being scared of someone I loved.  In this healing process, I have tried to think of all of things that I regret and am learning to accept them and move on.  Just about the lightest of these regrets is not staying at a concert that was held at Virginia Tech a few years back as a relief concert after the shootings on campus.  My friend from the local PD calls me up and says she has 2 tickets to the concert and offers them to me.  I graciously and excitedly accept.  It was overwhelming to be able to be a part of that, especially what it stood for and why these musicians were coming to campus to perform anyway.  John Mayer was scheduled to perform along with Dave Matthews Band.  My ex didn't want to get there on time because he thought we could get through traffic easier if the concert had already started.  He complained relentlessly the entire way there.  We found our seats to the left of the stage on the football field in Lane Stadium.  There is hardly anyone sitting around us.  We miss the first performer, but get there in time to see John Mayer come on stage.  (On a side note, if there is one thing you should know about me, it's that I adore him.  He is hands down my most favorite musician, guitar master, blues playing, song writer on this entire planet.  I know every lyric of every song, have tons of concert tees, etc.  Hello, My name is Amber and I am addicted to all things John Mayer.)  So, to put it lightly, I was fully turned on to see him in concert.  Wanting so badly to jump and scream and make a total fool of myself, I chose to sit quietly beside my ex because that's what he wanted.  After he played his set, Dave Matthews Band came on to play.  By that time, dark had fell and the hordes of drunken college kids were rolling in and pretty much shoving through any seat they could find closest to the stage.  I remember one girl barfed right in front of us and after the smell made it's way to our seat, we were ready to leave.  We did wait to hear Crash but then we left.  I wanted to badly to stand up and say "NO! We are staying!"  but I didn't.  We left and beat the traffic and made it home safely. 
The next day, I was talking to some fellow concert goers who said Dave Matthews Band played a song named #41 and that John Mayer got up on stage and riffed on his electric guitar and an all out, nearly 15 minute jam session took place! AGGHH!!  I was so disappointed that we missed that. We were right there!!  Something like that will never happen again.  And I missed it. Thankfully for Youtube I was able to view it, though not the same as being there and feeding off the energy of the crowd, feeling the drum beats in my chest, screaming til my voice faded. Ugh.
It's funny, a few years back my ex-husband even admitted he wished we would have stayed too.  But you can never go back and change time. I am not sharing this to speak badly of my ex.  I've learned to not settle, do what you want, what makes you happy because you will never get time back.  You can never change a second once that second has passed.
For some reason, this came to my mind today.  I found the video again and have listened to it for most of the night.  The video is grainy, but it is still pure magic.  If you could hear the music in my soul, this is it!  The lyrics, the guitars, drums, saxophone, John Mayer, Dave Matthews, LOUD concert music that you can feel in your entire body, it just doesn't get better than that.  Here are some of the lyrics and video. 

This is what my heart sounds like.

http://youtu.be/YpDjfoIXHjg

#41 Dave Matthews Band

I will go in this way
And find my own way out
I won't tell you so me
But it’s coming to much more me
Come down all the ghosts come back
Reeling in you now
oh, What if they came down crashing
In a way I used to play for
all of the loneliness that nobody
notices now
I'm begging slow
I'm coming here
Only waiting, I wanted to stay
I wanted to play
I wanted to love you

I'm only this far
And only tomorrow leads the way
I'm coming waltzing back and moving into your head

Where have I been??

I can't believe how times passes.  I write inside my head everyday, things I want to write here but I never seem to make it here.  Ok, so according to my last post in March, I was planning on running in a 5k, which I did.  It was awesome!  We had 3 kids with us, so that was a but challenging. But I achieved my goal and survived!! 

Our cat that we had for just under a year, Clover, was hit by car and had to be put to sleep.  It was devastating.  That was my son's cat, he found it in our back yard last year during his 5th birthday party here and she was a tiny little kitten that we nursed back from near starvation.  That was the first animal that Brody had as a pet that was a baby & had grown along with Brody.  We miss Clover everyday.

I made it through the Easter holiday.  Mr. EB brought my son a real, live bunny rabbit for Easter.  Not sure exactly what he was thinking, but my son was thrilled.  We welcomed "Bun Bun" with open arms.  Surprisingly, Bun Bun ended up being a female bunny and blessed us with eight, count 'em, EIGHT babies a couple weeks after Easter.

But having all these baby bunnies from the day they were born has been quite a learning experience for my son.  Seeing them born bald & pink and growing rapidly into little fury bunnies crunching on carrots and kale.  It's been fun.  Anyone want a bunny??

 

My son is nearly finished his kindergarten school year.  This school year has been completely different from last.  Home is now a stable, consistent environment.  He's grown and learn so much academically, I am truly amazed. 

I am so happy the sunshine and warm weather is here.  This winter was completely brutal. I have been working like crazy on the house and back yard and I am nearing the end of many of those projects.  I'll be happy to mark them off of my to-do list so I enjoy many summer evenings in the back yard!

Dreams

I am a vivid dreamer.  It feels like I dream all night long.  Sometimes I dream one long dream and sometimes I experience several different dreams in between waking up.  I dream so deeply that when I awake I can't determine the reality from my dream world, that I can be so overcome with emotion that I cry or am hyperventilating.  It can sometimes set the mood for my entire day.  Freud explained dreams as a manifestation of one's deepest desires or anxieties.  I believe that!

Last night I dreamed a familiar dream, one I've had plenty of times before, and awoke shaken and sad and in tears.  It left my mind reeling all day.  In this dream, we unexpectedly run into each other.  That rush of adrenaline bursts from my stomach, my heart is racing, just as it is every time I see you.  You see me, I see you.  Instead of you turning the other way as you normally do in reality, this time you approach me.  You don't say a word.  You just wrap your arms around me, hug me, smile that smile I miss terribly and kiss my forehead, lingering just enough I can feel your warm breath on my skin.  In that moment, I feel every possible range of emotions and just as quickly I feel peace and a calmness smooth over my entire body.  You look directly into my eyes, still standing close, and crack that grin and pull me in close. Your son was with you and he and Brody quickly run off a few feet away and start playing together.  Smiling, we walk toward the boys with your arm around my shoulders and my arm around your waist.  Finally.

I wake up.

Disappointed that I woke up, saddened it was only a dream, tears fill my eyes before they even open to begin the day.  All day I thought of that dream.  I thought about how desperately I want that dream to come true. I ache in desire for that dream to become my reality.  Even though I know it won't.  Ever.  What wicked game these dreams are playing on my heart.  I read somewhere that if you dream of someone that means they are thinking about you as well.  I am highly skeptical, but I hang on to that glimmer of hope that just as I lay awake thinking of you and what we could be together, that I still cross your mind as well.

Now, as I lay in bed, the soft glow of my laptop as the only light, I shutter to think what will enter my dreams tonight.  I guess I'll just say my prayers and see what awaits me in my dream world tonight.

Goodnight, sweet dreams....

Bucket List

I wouldn't say I technically have a bucket list per say, but I am trying to get out of the old stuffy, boring routine of life and try new things and experience life to its fullest.  My darling little friend encouraged me to do the 5k Color Run with her and her daughter coming up April 5.  I can't say that I have ever thought to myself  'I'd love to run 3+ miles in a race!'  However, my friend was convincing enough by saying she was signing me up and I was doing it!  I discovered that it was considered the "happiest 5k on the planet" and it was more about having fun with a team of friends, running or walking, getting covered in different colors as you go through the course, all for a great cause!  Our sons can come too and hopefully the weather will be nice and we will have an awesome time!  I'm in no way a runner anymore, but I've been working out more this year so far and will just have to test myself.  I am really looking forward to it and can't wait to post the before and after results of having to run 3+ miles while a rainbow vomits on me. :)

Picnic Adventure

I live in Virginia and so far this winter has been utterly terrible.  Between subfreezing temperatures and feet of snow and illnesses, I am highly anticipating the warmer weather of spring and the humid heat of summer!  This past weekend was a bit warmer, windy, but warm enough in the sunshine to get out and enjoy it! 
My dear friend and my son & her puppy got our picnic baskets packed and headed to the outskirts of town to a popular National Forest site with a pond and walking trails.  There were plenty of geese to excite the puppy (and Brody), some people fishing, some running.  A few college girls had their dogs romping through the water, playing & fetching. 
The sun was warm, even though there was still snow on the ground in the shaded parts of the trail.  Last year, we came on a field trip with my son's preschool class and it was warmer so there were tons of tiny little turtles lazily sunbathing on the logs but we saw none this time around.  We are definitely planning to go back once it warms up and isn't so muddy.  I'd like to go sans child and pop my ear buds in and run for some head clearing, peaceful time.

 

There was a tree that was shaped like a long neck Diplodocus dinosaur that Brody was able to sit on and "ride".  He was fully excited about that!



And of course, no adventure of mine would be complete with out finding a heart-shaped rock or two!

 

This is certainly one of my favorite spots in the area to enjoy the outdoors!  Another great adventure to mark down in the memory books.

Dandelion

If you know anything about me, you know I have a lyrical soul.  I feel music.  I memorize lyrics, have a notebook full of my favorites.  It would cause me actual pain to try to narrow down my top lyric of all time.  The list would be endless.  Sometimes I hear a song and I could kick myself because I think 'I should have wrote that'!  I love the idea of music videos, I should have a soundtrack playing in the background of my life at all times.  I love all kinds of music and have totally fell in love with Kacey Musgraves.  These lyrics are incredible and I wanted to share!

Dandelion

Picked you out and picked you up
Hoping that my luck would change
I let the summer fill my lungs
And superstition fill my brain

A million little wishes float across the sky
But it's a waste of breath and it's a waste of time I know
Cause just like him, you always leave me cryin' dandelion

Sent you dancing on the breeze
And like a stupid little girl
I spent my wishes on a weed
Thinking it could change my world

Dandelion

Falling stars and lucky pennies
Have let me down so many times before
And you're just one more
Oh, dandelion
I'm always blowing kisses out across the sky
But it's a waste of breath and it's a waste of time I know
Cause just like him, you always leave me cryin' dandelion

Catching up

I must say I was shocked to see that I haven't written in several months.  I think about writing nearly everyday, things I want to record so that I don't forget and before I know it another day has passed.  Work has been relentless since last fall.  I barely survived the holidays and was thoroughly looking forward to the new year.  But I've been excited about the last 3 new years and all it's potential but somehow, they all seem to end the same and begin with the same momentum and wishful thinking that just disappears after the sparkle of the new year has faded and reality sets back in.  I've been working on my house.  Proud to say I've finished another room of pulling up carpets and a gazillion carpet nails and installed wood flooring all by myself (other than the brief interest & assistance by my 5 year old son).  I have a hallway and my living room to do yet.  I have a few other projects lined up for spring and have many outdoor gardening ideas.  I've been fairly consistent with exercising this year so far, something I completely gave up the latter part of last year.  I've struggled financially more than I thought I would as a single parent, so I've had to adopt a budget which is hard to stick to but I don't have much of a choice.  I am getting over my divorce and really happy being alone, not lonely, not single, just being by myself.  Between work, my son, school, house work I don't have time for much else.  I'm OK with that.  I was with my ex-husband for nearly 19 years, since I was 16 years old.  I have never experienced being "alone"  my entire adult life thus far.  It's nice to have the freedoms I've never had before. I hear my friends in relationships talk about dating issues and their mans baby mama issues and it just makes me realize even more that I am not ready for anything like that.  Sometimes I get lost in being a mom and forget to find time for myself but I am happy spending my time with my son and don't want to make time for anyone else.  I am still in repair.

 I have the best child, who brings me lovely little treasures and heart felt hugs.  He tells me everyday how deep his love for me is, showers me with hugs and kisses, we read together, laugh together, pray together, sing at the top of our lungs together, shake our booties dancing throughout the house, there is no better life I can imagine that would be better or more appealing than the one I am living right now watching my child grow and thrive and experience life!  Sometimes my love and adoration for him brings me to tears.  I was made to be a mother, his mother.  I would change nothing of my life.  I have the dearest friends and most dependable family.  I am truly, deeply blessed and I don't take one minute of this life for granted, it goes by too fast to not appreciate every moment.