Belief

I have been trying to decide on how much of my life I want to write about on this blog.  I'd consider myself a fairly private person and have been taught that you shouldn't "air your dirty laundry".  Therefore,  I will not go into great detail but my life came to a crossroads and I had to make a decision I never thought I would. 
I married my high school sweetheart when I was 23 years old.  When I got married, I had dreams of building a home, which child would get the freckles, trips we would take, and all the many, many years of our lives we would share together.  I came from a divorced home and married into a family that had not seen a divorce.  I promised to be there forever, through the good times and the bad, through sickness and health.  I meant it, with every inch of my being.  As the years past, there were good times and there were bad times, there were sicknesses and healthy times.  There were times we had little and times that we had more than we needed.  They weren't always what I imagined them to be but it was my life and I accepted it as it was. 
I believe in God.  I believe His word.  I believe in having faith and the promise of everlasting life.  I believe in forgiveness, giving & receiving.  I believe that God knows every hair on my head and what your life beholds you before you ever do.  I believe that God will give you what you can handle (gracefully or not).  I believe in prayer & I believe in fate.  I do not think it's a mere coincidence when you run into someone or that you can't seem to shake something from your mind.  I believe that God places people in just the right place, at just the right time.  He gives you what you need, when you need it if you realize it at that time or not.  I have made mistakes and made decisions that will effect many people for the rest of their lives.  That's a big burden to carry.  However, I know that God knows what is truly in my heart and I don't believe that I would feel the way I do if it weren't right.  I am completely at peace with my choices, for I know I gave everything I had to give.  This is not the life I planned to live but there comes a time when you have to decide to take your own life by the horns.  No one can "make" you happy.  You have to decide that for yourself.  When things become so stressful and so dim, you feel like there is nothing to look forward to.  You want so desperately to hold onto the thinnest ray of light, to salvage what you can, to turn it all around and find"true happiness".  Yes, that is noble, it's respectable, however, it's not realistic.  When do we stop believing that we are worth self happiness?  Why is it expected that we have to sacrifice our own dignity, our own peace for someone else to be happy? Just so the onlookers of this cruel world can believe that our lives are perfect and happy?  All that matters is how you feel when you lay down your head at night and when you lay down your heart before God.  You simply can't change people and you shouldn't need to change for anyone else.  That sounds so cliche but I've learned this lesson wholeheartedly.  Perhaps, to some, my choices are utterly selfish.  But once time has passed, it's passed.  Life on earth goes by so quickly, I actually become frightened at the speed in which my child is growing.  Between work & school & house work the day is gone in a flash. I just want to be happy.  I want to be at peace in my mind.  I want my son to be a child while he is a child.  Too soon enough he will have responsibility, stress, and decisions of his own to make.  I want to give him the most happy life he can imagine and provide him all the tools he will need to battle each day that lies ahead of him.  Have I made the right decisions for him, for me?  Only time will tell. I will gladly carry any regret I may have because that load has got to be lighter than carrying guilt & ill feelings. One of my favorite song lyrics is "All you need is love is a lie, because we had love but we still said goodbye.  Now we are tired, battered fighters." I'm picking up the pieces and putting a new life together. I have no idea what the future holds for me but I have faith that what is meant to be simply will be.