Recently, I started a diary...perhaps calling it a journal would sound more mature. This journal is many years past due and I regret that immensely. I wish now that I would have started this journal years ago, most notably after my son was conceived. I am the type that thought "oh..I don't need to write this down...I'll remember this..." Now I'm discovering that I have forgotten many of the magical little moments that my life has had and it saddens me.
When my son was born, hardly any pictures were taken, no videos, nothing really documented like I would like to read or see now. I was so overwhelmed being a new mother, especially to a newborn with a birth defect, who was born 4 weeks early, and was struggling to nurse. I could barely get a shower in much less keep a detailed journal of my sons life. I do have a baby book that I filled out as much as I could but if I had it to do over again I would document everything but then again I wouldn't have been able to spend so much time bonding and enjoying him if I had my nose stuck in a book or on the computer. My mother kept boxes and boxes of things from our childhood and even as a child I loved sitting down looking through all the photo albums and little treasures she held onto over the years. After countless moves, those boxes and photo albums were drug all over creation. Looking back now, I appreciate that she made such an effort to hang onto those things for us. Although I am a few years behind, I hope to note and save all these things for Brody and his family one day to look back and laugh and enjoy the memories all over again.
I am also finding that it is cheaper and more releasing than therapy. No matter how much I trust my therapist, I still find that I don't tell her everything. No one on this earth will ever really know the true depths of my heart and in all honesty...no one should know all the corners of my thoughts! I have joked recently that I should write a book about my life and perhaps these daily logs will be a great reference one day. It's quite risky & exciting to document the brutally honest feelings that I have through out the day....all the things I would like to say to people but I don't...all the things I dream about...my desires..my disappointments...it's me...my heart...my mind...in black & white. Maybe no one will ever read these entries or maybe it will be the best selling book that gives my son his future fortune and early retirement. Maybe it will like in 'The Notebook' and my best friend will come sit beside my bed when I am old & feeble-minded and read to me the words I wrote about my life myself. Who knows.
"A journal is the path of pebbles you leave behind you, so you have the security
of knowing you can always return." Samara O'Shea
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