What my heart sounds like....

I guess I could say that I am in repair, healing from a failed marriage & years of emotional intimidation and living a life of being scared of someone I loved.  In this healing process, I have tried to think of all of things that I regret and am learning to accept them and move on.  Just about the lightest of these regrets is not staying at a concert that was held at Virginia Tech a few years back as a relief concert after the shootings on campus.  My friend from the local PD calls me up and says she has 2 tickets to the concert and offers them to me.  I graciously and excitedly accept.  It was overwhelming to be able to be a part of that, especially what it stood for and why these musicians were coming to campus to perform anyway.  John Mayer was scheduled to perform along with Dave Matthews Band.  My ex didn't want to get there on time because he thought we could get through traffic easier if the concert had already started.  He complained relentlessly the entire way there.  We found our seats to the left of the stage on the football field in Lane Stadium.  There is hardly anyone sitting around us.  We miss the first performer, but get there in time to see John Mayer come on stage.  (On a side note, if there is one thing you should know about me, it's that I adore him.  He is hands down my most favorite musician, guitar master, blues playing, song writer on this entire planet.  I know every lyric of every song, have tons of concert tees, etc.  Hello, My name is Amber and I am addicted to all things John Mayer.)  So, to put it lightly, I was fully turned on to see him in concert.  Wanting so badly to jump and scream and make a total fool of myself, I chose to sit quietly beside my ex because that's what he wanted.  After he played his set, Dave Matthews Band came on to play.  By that time, dark had fell and the hordes of drunken college kids were rolling in and pretty much shoving through any seat they could find closest to the stage.  I remember one girl barfed right in front of us and after the smell made it's way to our seat, we were ready to leave.  We did wait to hear Crash but then we left.  I wanted to badly to stand up and say "NO! We are staying!"  but I didn't.  We left and beat the traffic and made it home safely. 
The next day, I was talking to some fellow concert goers who said Dave Matthews Band played a song named #41 and that John Mayer got up on stage and riffed on his electric guitar and an all out, nearly 15 minute jam session took place! AGGHH!!  I was so disappointed that we missed that. We were right there!!  Something like that will never happen again.  And I missed it. Thankfully for Youtube I was able to view it, though not the same as being there and feeding off the energy of the crowd, feeling the drum beats in my chest, screaming til my voice faded. Ugh.
It's funny, a few years back my ex-husband even admitted he wished we would have stayed too.  But you can never go back and change time. I am not sharing this to speak badly of my ex.  I've learned to not settle, do what you want, what makes you happy because you will never get time back.  You can never change a second once that second has passed.
For some reason, this came to my mind today.  I found the video again and have listened to it for most of the night.  The video is grainy, but it is still pure magic.  If you could hear the music in my soul, this is it!  The lyrics, the guitars, drums, saxophone, John Mayer, Dave Matthews, LOUD concert music that you can feel in your entire body, it just doesn't get better than that.  Here are some of the lyrics and video. 

This is what my heart sounds like.

http://youtu.be/YpDjfoIXHjg

#41 Dave Matthews Band

I will go in this way
And find my own way out
I won't tell you so me
But it’s coming to much more me
Come down all the ghosts come back
Reeling in you now
oh, What if they came down crashing
In a way I used to play for
all of the loneliness that nobody
notices now
I'm begging slow
I'm coming here
Only waiting, I wanted to stay
I wanted to play
I wanted to love you

I'm only this far
And only tomorrow leads the way
I'm coming waltzing back and moving into your head

Where have I been??

I can't believe how times passes.  I write inside my head everyday, things I want to write here but I never seem to make it here.  Ok, so according to my last post in March, I was planning on running in a 5k, which I did.  It was awesome!  We had 3 kids with us, so that was a but challenging. But I achieved my goal and survived!! 

Our cat that we had for just under a year, Clover, was hit by car and had to be put to sleep.  It was devastating.  That was my son's cat, he found it in our back yard last year during his 5th birthday party here and she was a tiny little kitten that we nursed back from near starvation.  That was the first animal that Brody had as a pet that was a baby & had grown along with Brody.  We miss Clover everyday.

I made it through the Easter holiday.  Mr. EB brought my son a real, live bunny rabbit for Easter.  Not sure exactly what he was thinking, but my son was thrilled.  We welcomed "Bun Bun" with open arms.  Surprisingly, Bun Bun ended up being a female bunny and blessed us with eight, count 'em, EIGHT babies a couple weeks after Easter.

But having all these baby bunnies from the day they were born has been quite a learning experience for my son.  Seeing them born bald & pink and growing rapidly into little fury bunnies crunching on carrots and kale.  It's been fun.  Anyone want a bunny??

 

My son is nearly finished his kindergarten school year.  This school year has been completely different from last.  Home is now a stable, consistent environment.  He's grown and learn so much academically, I am truly amazed. 

I am so happy the sunshine and warm weather is here.  This winter was completely brutal. I have been working like crazy on the house and back yard and I am nearing the end of many of those projects.  I'll be happy to mark them off of my to-do list so I enjoy many summer evenings in the back yard!