And now..Deep Thoughts....

If God, the Universe, fate, destiny (whatever you prefer to call it) aligns two people to cross paths repeatedly, shouldn't you take a moment to recognize that maybe you are supposed to see that person?  That you are supposed to have that person in your thoughts...in your life?  If you are trying to avoid something or someone but it is constantly in your sight, at every random place you find yourself isn't that some sign that you should stop avoiding and just accept that they are there and it is supposed to be that way?  Or do you think it is a constant test of will?  I don't think any force of nature is that cruel.  I believe that if the signs are there, you can only put them off for so long.  There is always a higher power at work, sometimes you just have to listen to what it's telling you.

Dear Diary...

Recently, I started a diary...perhaps calling it a journal would sound more mature.  This journal is many years past due and I regret that immensely.  I wish now that I would have started this journal years ago, most notably after my son was conceived.  I am the type that thought "oh..I don't need to write this down...I'll remember this..."  Now I'm discovering that I have forgotten many of the magical little moments that my life has had and it saddens me.
When my son was born, hardly any pictures were taken, no videos, nothing really documented like I would like to read or see now.  I was so overwhelmed being a new mother, especially to a newborn with a birth defect, who was born 4 weeks early, and was struggling to nurse.  I could barely get a shower in much less keep a detailed journal of my sons life.  I do have a baby book that I filled out as much as I could but if I had it to do over again I would document everything but then again I wouldn't have been able to spend so much time bonding and enjoying him if I had my nose stuck in a book or on the computer.  My mother kept boxes and boxes of things from our childhood and even as a child I loved sitting down looking through all the photo albums and little treasures she held onto over the years.  After countless moves, those boxes and photo albums were drug all over creation.  Looking back now, I appreciate that she made such an effort to hang onto those things for us. Although I am a few years behind, I hope to note and save all these things for Brody and his family one day to look back and laugh and enjoy the memories all over again. 
I am also finding that it is cheaper and more releasing than therapy.  No matter how much I trust my therapist, I still find that I don't tell her everything.  No one on this earth will ever really know the true depths of my heart and in all honesty...no one should know all the corners of my thoughts!  I have joked recently that I should write a book about my life and perhaps these daily logs will be a great reference one day.  It's quite risky & exciting to document the brutally honest feelings that I have through out the day....all the things I would like to say to people but I don't...all the things I dream about...my desires..my disappointments...it's me...my heart...my mind...in black & white.  Maybe no one will ever read these entries or maybe it will be the best selling book that gives my son his future fortune and early retirement. Maybe it will like in 'The Notebook' and my best friend will come sit beside my bed when I am old & feeble-minded and read to me the words I wrote about my life myself. Who knows.

 "A journal is the path of pebbles you leave behind you, so you have the security of knowing you can always return." Samara O'Shea

"This life would kill me if I didn't have you....."

Practical Magic

Flipping through the channels tonight I see that the movie Practical Magic is on.  My best friend back then, Jill (whom I called Jilly Bean-same as one of the characters in the movie) and I loved this movie when it came out in 1998 (can't believe it was that long ago!).  I had totally forgotten the soundtrack to this film.  We had many mixed drinks singing "you put the lime in the coconut"...makes me grin just thinking about it.  As I watched it tonight the movie ended up being a bit silly in parts. I didn't recall that from watching it years ago.
 Although, I can't say that I believe in witches in the sense that they fly around on brooms but I certainly will say that I believe in magic.  I believe in deja vu because I've had it too many times not to.  I believe in thinking of someone you haven't in months and then receiving a call from them or seeing them a few days after isn't just a coincidence. I believe in wishing on falling stars and that finding four leaf clovers is lucky.  I believe in fate and destiny and hope and love.  I believe in that spark, that magic that happens between people that can never be undone once it's sparked, no matter how hard you try to drown it.  So much has happened the past 2 years in my life and at this point I only have faith and hope to hang onto and to keep me going.
 One of the songs in the movie was by Stevie Nicks called "If you ever did believe". I remember hearing it years ago and knowing it was one of those songs.  I LOVE me some Stevie Nicks.  Her songs have been a part of my life as far back as I can remember. My parents had her records and I would sneak & listen to them as a young girl.  I haven't heard this song in years but as soon as I heard the first few guitar chords I could literally visualize all the lyrics of this song in my head swarming around, even after 15 years.  It means something to me now, but differently than it did back then.  It wasn't a "chart topper" by any means but it's one of those little overlooked things, one of those neglected songs that should have been bigger than it was.  I believe that it was meant for me to see that movie tonight and hear this song again now. Magic.

 http://youtu.be/lppPiUyIyt8

"If you ever did believe" Stevie Nicks

You've left me now
and it seasoned my soul.
And with every step you take,
I watch another part of you go...

I continue to build a wall.
You were so strong,
I fell to my knees.
And I don't think I can handle this at all...

Well, one more night
I'd like to lie and hold you
Yes and feel...
To make you smile,
I'd like to be there for you--
Have you forgotten me?

And the days go by
Doing nothing about them...
How much time will I have to spend?

My mind won't rest and I don't sleep,
Not even in my dreams.

If you ever did believe,
for my sake.
If you ever did believe....

And the days go by
Doing nothing about them...
How much time will I have to spend?

One more night
I'd like to lie and hold you
Yes and feel...
To make you smile,
I'd like to be there for you--
Have you forgotten me?

http://youtu.be/lppPiUyIyt8

Surreal

If someone would have told me 15 years ago that my life would be what it is today, I would have thought they were certifiable.  There is no way that I would have ever, in a million years, thought I would have experienced what I have, nor would I have ever imagined I would be in the place I am.  It is hard to wrap my brain around all that has happened.  I know that there any many people who have experienced much worse than I.  I guess it's one of those...that will never be me...I will be happily married with 3 kids...building my dream home by the time I am 35...well, so far it isn't happening that way...far from it.  Each day that occurs seems to bring with it something new and uninvited to my life.  I have certainly stopped saying to myself "can it get worse?" because YES it can.  The things that have happened in the last two years were never supposed to happen to me.  Apparently, God intended it that way and I'm sure he saw every step I have taken along the way before I even thought about taking that step.  It is just so surreal to me.  But I will get though it, I have no choice but to get through it.

I learned that from you.....

Last evening, Brody pulled a cd out of the case & said he wanted to hear it.  It was Sara Evans (whom I think is the most beautiful woman alive!) and I listened to it on and off today.  On my way back from lunch this song came on and I remembered hearing before but never really paid that much attention to it.  Well, let me tell you, by the time the song was finished I was slumped down in my seat with tears flowing.  Felt a punch in the gut.

I remember the windows rolled down and the wind in my hair.
Driving 'round in your Daddy's old Chevy
Like we were going somewhere.
We thought that summer would last us forever...
Going steady was just something you do.

I didn't know much about love...
I learned that from you.

Now those were some good times,
Lately they don't seem to last.
I guess I'm not nearly as strong as a drink in your glass.
And the nights just get later,
I can stay up and wait or just go on to bed like I do.

I never knew nothing about lonely....
I learned from that you.

One night while the whole world was turning I left you a note.
And I told you that I'd always miss you...
Then I let you go.
Now, I'm living outside of some town I ain't heard of.
And I think about the boy that I knew.

I didn't know you could fall out of love...
I learned that from you.

And I learned how to kiss on a Ferris wheel.
And I made wishes at wishing wells.
And I fell into that fairytale too.
And I know that love ain't so easy,
But we tried, didn't we baby...
It's alright.
Some dreams weren't meant to come true...
I learned that from you.

I remember the windows rolled down
And the wind....

Heaven

It is Easter Sunday morning, Brody is relieved that the Easter Bunny came and delivered him some pretty good stuff.  He was really stressing over it because he went to bed at 9:17pm last night and thought the bunny had hopped over our house because he was still awake.  He broke the helicopter the Easter Bunny brought him in less than 2 minutes...El Destructo at his finest. 

He was whispering all the way down the stairs, thinking the E.B. may still be in the house. He was so excited about E.B. coming and what he might leave for him.  We made it down the stairs and saw the goodies on the couch and Brody was happy!  He was showing me everything and said he was most pleased with the helicopter!  He stopped and looked up toward the sky and blew kisses up saying "you get a million kisses Easter Bunny!" Such a sweet, pure hearted child.

He was sitting in the floor playing and it hit me...I didn't record any of that! Totally absorbed in the moment & didn't even think about it!  There are so many times I wish I would have recorded or taken pictures (even though I take a lot of pictures!) before the moment is gone and is but a memory I have to hold onto forever. 

I hope when I die and go to Heaven there is a "life movie" I can watch of all these precious moments that being too caught up in the moment I forgot to record.  I know God watches over Brody & I and I hope one day to see what He sees as our lives hurry by.  Wouldn't it be great to sit in my newly perfected body and watch all these moments, the moments that define me and bring me joy here on earth, on a big screen in Heaven!

Happy Easter Everyone!

School Day

Today I had the pleasure of going to school with my son to eat lunch and hang out in his classroom for a few hours.  Unfortunately, it was not steak & gravy day but the hotdog and salad was pretty good.  I love all the children in his pre-k class and have come to know most of them fairly well throughout the school year.  I love sitting at the lunch table with them, talking and laughing.  They all say the funniest things! 
I was asked to read to the class an easter book and it was so much fun!  I really should have been a teacher!  When I was a little girl I had a chalk board in my room and I remember lining up all my stuffed animals on my bed, pretending to teach them.  It felt just like that, only real children, my own child!  I really enjoyed myself and wish I was able to do stuff like that more frequently.  I recently bought chalkboard paint and plan on painting one of my sons walls so we can practice writing, especially over the summer. 
After reading, it was inside recess and we played with the blocks and pretended to have birthday parties for the group of children playing with us.  We giggled and it was really fun, if even for a just a little while, just being a kid again!

Belief

I have been trying to decide on how much of my life I want to write about on this blog.  I'd consider myself a fairly private person and have been taught that you shouldn't "air your dirty laundry".  Therefore,  I will not go into great detail but my life came to a crossroads and I had to make a decision I never thought I would. 
I married my high school sweetheart when I was 23 years old.  When I got married, I had dreams of building a home, which child would get the freckles, trips we would take, and all the many, many years of our lives we would share together.  I came from a divorced home and married into a family that had not seen a divorce.  I promised to be there forever, through the good times and the bad, through sickness and health.  I meant it, with every inch of my being.  As the years past, there were good times and there were bad times, there were sicknesses and healthy times.  There were times we had little and times that we had more than we needed.  They weren't always what I imagined them to be but it was my life and I accepted it as it was. 
I believe in God.  I believe His word.  I believe in having faith and the promise of everlasting life.  I believe in forgiveness, giving & receiving.  I believe that God knows every hair on my head and what your life beholds you before you ever do.  I believe that God will give you what you can handle (gracefully or not).  I believe in prayer & I believe in fate.  I do not think it's a mere coincidence when you run into someone or that you can't seem to shake something from your mind.  I believe that God places people in just the right place, at just the right time.  He gives you what you need, when you need it if you realize it at that time or not.  I have made mistakes and made decisions that will effect many people for the rest of their lives.  That's a big burden to carry.  However, I know that God knows what is truly in my heart and I don't believe that I would feel the way I do if it weren't right.  I am completely at peace with my choices, for I know I gave everything I had to give.  This is not the life I planned to live but there comes a time when you have to decide to take your own life by the horns.  No one can "make" you happy.  You have to decide that for yourself.  When things become so stressful and so dim, you feel like there is nothing to look forward to.  You want so desperately to hold onto the thinnest ray of light, to salvage what you can, to turn it all around and find"true happiness".  Yes, that is noble, it's respectable, however, it's not realistic.  When do we stop believing that we are worth self happiness?  Why is it expected that we have to sacrifice our own dignity, our own peace for someone else to be happy? Just so the onlookers of this cruel world can believe that our lives are perfect and happy?  All that matters is how you feel when you lay down your head at night and when you lay down your heart before God.  You simply can't change people and you shouldn't need to change for anyone else.  That sounds so cliche but I've learned this lesson wholeheartedly.  Perhaps, to some, my choices are utterly selfish.  But once time has passed, it's passed.  Life on earth goes by so quickly, I actually become frightened at the speed in which my child is growing.  Between work & school & house work the day is gone in a flash. I just want to be happy.  I want to be at peace in my mind.  I want my son to be a child while he is a child.  Too soon enough he will have responsibility, stress, and decisions of his own to make.  I want to give him the most happy life he can imagine and provide him all the tools he will need to battle each day that lies ahead of him.  Have I made the right decisions for him, for me?  Only time will tell. I will gladly carry any regret I may have because that load has got to be lighter than carrying guilt & ill feelings. One of my favorite song lyrics is "All you need is love is a lie, because we had love but we still said goodbye.  Now we are tired, battered fighters." I'm picking up the pieces and putting a new life together. I have no idea what the future holds for me but I have faith that what is meant to be simply will be.

I interrupt this program....

As I was so relaxed and content last night, we crawl in bed and read our chapter of "Charlotte's Web", we say our prayers and off to sleep we go. A few hours into my lovely slumber my eyes pop wide open. "Why I am awake?" I think to myself.  I roll over to look at the clock and see what time it is and it's 12:15 am.  Hmm...why am I awake....I roll back over and look at my son then his eyes pop open and he sprays vomit everywhere!  I guess me waking up unexpectedly, for apparently no reason, was God's little way of getting my face out of the way of the gross zone.  Thank you, I am very appreciative! 
Anyone who knows me, knows I am a germ-o-phobe.  I have always, as far back as I can remember in my earliest memories, have despised throwing up.  Pretty sure there is no one on the planet that enjoys it by any means, but I especially dislike it.  Even as an adult, I will cry and practically flop myself around in the floor if I get the stomach flu.  I never open my eyes, just flush it away so I won't have that sight burned into my memory forever.  But when it comes to my son, all that vanishes and I'm kissing his head and rubbing his back and wiping his mouth and wearing it without even a flinch.
I remember last night, as I was writing about my lovely, calm, warm winters evening, "I'm gonna jinx myself and something bad will happen!" And sure enough it did!   But my son is feeling better for the most part, not eating but drinking ginger ale.  We got nearly zero sleep last night, so it's been nice to be lazy on the couch today in between the 7 loads of laundry I have been working on to clean all the sheets, blankets, clothes we went through last night.
Please stomach bug, I beg of you, leave our home without infecting me!