What my heart sounds like....

I guess I could say that I am in repair, healing from a failed marriage & years of emotional intimidation and living a life of being scared of someone I loved.  In this healing process, I have tried to think of all of things that I regret and am learning to accept them and move on.  Just about the lightest of these regrets is not staying at a concert that was held at Virginia Tech a few years back as a relief concert after the shootings on campus.  My friend from the local PD calls me up and says she has 2 tickets to the concert and offers them to me.  I graciously and excitedly accept.  It was overwhelming to be able to be a part of that, especially what it stood for and why these musicians were coming to campus to perform anyway.  John Mayer was scheduled to perform along with Dave Matthews Band.  My ex didn't want to get there on time because he thought we could get through traffic easier if the concert had already started.  He complained relentlessly the entire way there.  We found our seats to the left of the stage on the football field in Lane Stadium.  There is hardly anyone sitting around us.  We miss the first performer, but get there in time to see John Mayer come on stage.  (On a side note, if there is one thing you should know about me, it's that I adore him.  He is hands down my most favorite musician, guitar master, blues playing, song writer on this entire planet.  I know every lyric of every song, have tons of concert tees, etc.  Hello, My name is Amber and I am addicted to all things John Mayer.)  So, to put it lightly, I was fully turned on to see him in concert.  Wanting so badly to jump and scream and make a total fool of myself, I chose to sit quietly beside my ex because that's what he wanted.  After he played his set, Dave Matthews Band came on to play.  By that time, dark had fell and the hordes of drunken college kids were rolling in and pretty much shoving through any seat they could find closest to the stage.  I remember one girl barfed right in front of us and after the smell made it's way to our seat, we were ready to leave.  We did wait to hear Crash but then we left.  I wanted to badly to stand up and say "NO! We are staying!"  but I didn't.  We left and beat the traffic and made it home safely. 
The next day, I was talking to some fellow concert goers who said Dave Matthews Band played a song named #41 and that John Mayer got up on stage and riffed on his electric guitar and an all out, nearly 15 minute jam session took place! AGGHH!!  I was so disappointed that we missed that. We were right there!!  Something like that will never happen again.  And I missed it. Thankfully for Youtube I was able to view it, though not the same as being there and feeding off the energy of the crowd, feeling the drum beats in my chest, screaming til my voice faded. Ugh.
It's funny, a few years back my ex-husband even admitted he wished we would have stayed too.  But you can never go back and change time. I am not sharing this to speak badly of my ex.  I've learned to not settle, do what you want, what makes you happy because you will never get time back.  You can never change a second once that second has passed.
For some reason, this came to my mind today.  I found the video again and have listened to it for most of the night.  The video is grainy, but it is still pure magic.  If you could hear the music in my soul, this is it!  The lyrics, the guitars, drums, saxophone, John Mayer, Dave Matthews, LOUD concert music that you can feel in your entire body, it just doesn't get better than that.  Here are some of the lyrics and video. 

This is what my heart sounds like.

http://youtu.be/YpDjfoIXHjg

#41 Dave Matthews Band

I will go in this way
And find my own way out
I won't tell you so me
But it’s coming to much more me
Come down all the ghosts come back
Reeling in you now
oh, What if they came down crashing
In a way I used to play for
all of the loneliness that nobody
notices now
I'm begging slow
I'm coming here
Only waiting, I wanted to stay
I wanted to play
I wanted to love you

I'm only this far
And only tomorrow leads the way
I'm coming waltzing back and moving into your head

Where have I been??

I can't believe how times passes.  I write inside my head everyday, things I want to write here but I never seem to make it here.  Ok, so according to my last post in March, I was planning on running in a 5k, which I did.  It was awesome!  We had 3 kids with us, so that was a but challenging. But I achieved my goal and survived!! 

Our cat that we had for just under a year, Clover, was hit by car and had to be put to sleep.  It was devastating.  That was my son's cat, he found it in our back yard last year during his 5th birthday party here and she was a tiny little kitten that we nursed back from near starvation.  That was the first animal that Brody had as a pet that was a baby & had grown along with Brody.  We miss Clover everyday.

I made it through the Easter holiday.  Mr. EB brought my son a real, live bunny rabbit for Easter.  Not sure exactly what he was thinking, but my son was thrilled.  We welcomed "Bun Bun" with open arms.  Surprisingly, Bun Bun ended up being a female bunny and blessed us with eight, count 'em, EIGHT babies a couple weeks after Easter.

But having all these baby bunnies from the day they were born has been quite a learning experience for my son.  Seeing them born bald & pink and growing rapidly into little fury bunnies crunching on carrots and kale.  It's been fun.  Anyone want a bunny??

 

My son is nearly finished his kindergarten school year.  This school year has been completely different from last.  Home is now a stable, consistent environment.  He's grown and learn so much academically, I am truly amazed. 

I am so happy the sunshine and warm weather is here.  This winter was completely brutal. I have been working like crazy on the house and back yard and I am nearing the end of many of those projects.  I'll be happy to mark them off of my to-do list so I enjoy many summer evenings in the back yard!

Dreams

I am a vivid dreamer.  It feels like I dream all night long.  Sometimes I dream one long dream and sometimes I experience several different dreams in between waking up.  I dream so deeply that when I awake I can't determine the reality from my dream world, that I can be so overcome with emotion that I cry or am hyperventilating.  It can sometimes set the mood for my entire day.  Freud explained dreams as a manifestation of one's deepest desires or anxieties.  I believe that!

Last night I dreamed a familiar dream, one I've had plenty of times before, and awoke shaken and sad and in tears.  It left my mind reeling all day.  In this dream, we unexpectedly run into each other.  That rush of adrenaline bursts from my stomach, my heart is racing, just as it is every time I see you.  You see me, I see you.  Instead of you turning the other way as you normally do in reality, this time you approach me.  You don't say a word.  You just wrap your arms around me, hug me, smile that smile I miss terribly and kiss my forehead, lingering just enough I can feel your warm breath on my skin.  In that moment, I feel every possible range of emotions and just as quickly I feel peace and a calmness smooth over my entire body.  You look directly into my eyes, still standing close, and crack that grin and pull me in close. Your son was with you and he and Brody quickly run off a few feet away and start playing together.  Smiling, we walk toward the boys with your arm around my shoulders and my arm around your waist.  Finally.

I wake up.

Disappointed that I woke up, saddened it was only a dream, tears fill my eyes before they even open to begin the day.  All day I thought of that dream.  I thought about how desperately I want that dream to come true. I ache in desire for that dream to become my reality.  Even though I know it won't.  Ever.  What wicked game these dreams are playing on my heart.  I read somewhere that if you dream of someone that means they are thinking about you as well.  I am highly skeptical, but I hang on to that glimmer of hope that just as I lay awake thinking of you and what we could be together, that I still cross your mind as well.

Now, as I lay in bed, the soft glow of my laptop as the only light, I shutter to think what will enter my dreams tonight.  I guess I'll just say my prayers and see what awaits me in my dream world tonight.

Goodnight, sweet dreams....

Bucket List

I wouldn't say I technically have a bucket list per say, but I am trying to get out of the old stuffy, boring routine of life and try new things and experience life to its fullest.  My darling little friend encouraged me to do the 5k Color Run with her and her daughter coming up April 5.  I can't say that I have ever thought to myself  'I'd love to run 3+ miles in a race!'  However, my friend was convincing enough by saying she was signing me up and I was doing it!  I discovered that it was considered the "happiest 5k on the planet" and it was more about having fun with a team of friends, running or walking, getting covered in different colors as you go through the course, all for a great cause!  Our sons can come too and hopefully the weather will be nice and we will have an awesome time!  I'm in no way a runner anymore, but I've been working out more this year so far and will just have to test myself.  I am really looking forward to it and can't wait to post the before and after results of having to run 3+ miles while a rainbow vomits on me. :)

Picnic Adventure

I live in Virginia and so far this winter has been utterly terrible.  Between subfreezing temperatures and feet of snow and illnesses, I am highly anticipating the warmer weather of spring and the humid heat of summer!  This past weekend was a bit warmer, windy, but warm enough in the sunshine to get out and enjoy it! 
My dear friend and my son & her puppy got our picnic baskets packed and headed to the outskirts of town to a popular National Forest site with a pond and walking trails.  There were plenty of geese to excite the puppy (and Brody), some people fishing, some running.  A few college girls had their dogs romping through the water, playing & fetching. 
The sun was warm, even though there was still snow on the ground in the shaded parts of the trail.  Last year, we came on a field trip with my son's preschool class and it was warmer so there were tons of tiny little turtles lazily sunbathing on the logs but we saw none this time around.  We are definitely planning to go back once it warms up and isn't so muddy.  I'd like to go sans child and pop my ear buds in and run for some head clearing, peaceful time.

 

There was a tree that was shaped like a long neck Diplodocus dinosaur that Brody was able to sit on and "ride".  He was fully excited about that!



And of course, no adventure of mine would be complete with out finding a heart-shaped rock or two!

 

This is certainly one of my favorite spots in the area to enjoy the outdoors!  Another great adventure to mark down in the memory books.

Dandelion

If you know anything about me, you know I have a lyrical soul.  I feel music.  I memorize lyrics, have a notebook full of my favorites.  It would cause me actual pain to try to narrow down my top lyric of all time.  The list would be endless.  Sometimes I hear a song and I could kick myself because I think 'I should have wrote that'!  I love the idea of music videos, I should have a soundtrack playing in the background of my life at all times.  I love all kinds of music and have totally fell in love with Kacey Musgraves.  These lyrics are incredible and I wanted to share!

Dandelion

Picked you out and picked you up
Hoping that my luck would change
I let the summer fill my lungs
And superstition fill my brain

A million little wishes float across the sky
But it's a waste of breath and it's a waste of time I know
Cause just like him, you always leave me cryin' dandelion

Sent you dancing on the breeze
And like a stupid little girl
I spent my wishes on a weed
Thinking it could change my world

Dandelion

Falling stars and lucky pennies
Have let me down so many times before
And you're just one more
Oh, dandelion
I'm always blowing kisses out across the sky
But it's a waste of breath and it's a waste of time I know
Cause just like him, you always leave me cryin' dandelion

Catching up

I must say I was shocked to see that I haven't written in several months.  I think about writing nearly everyday, things I want to record so that I don't forget and before I know it another day has passed.  Work has been relentless since last fall.  I barely survived the holidays and was thoroughly looking forward to the new year.  But I've been excited about the last 3 new years and all it's potential but somehow, they all seem to end the same and begin with the same momentum and wishful thinking that just disappears after the sparkle of the new year has faded and reality sets back in.  I've been working on my house.  Proud to say I've finished another room of pulling up carpets and a gazillion carpet nails and installed wood flooring all by myself (other than the brief interest & assistance by my 5 year old son).  I have a hallway and my living room to do yet.  I have a few other projects lined up for spring and have many outdoor gardening ideas.  I've been fairly consistent with exercising this year so far, something I completely gave up the latter part of last year.  I've struggled financially more than I thought I would as a single parent, so I've had to adopt a budget which is hard to stick to but I don't have much of a choice.  I am getting over my divorce and really happy being alone, not lonely, not single, just being by myself.  Between work, my son, school, house work I don't have time for much else.  I'm OK with that.  I was with my ex-husband for nearly 19 years, since I was 16 years old.  I have never experienced being "alone"  my entire adult life thus far.  It's nice to have the freedoms I've never had before. I hear my friends in relationships talk about dating issues and their mans baby mama issues and it just makes me realize even more that I am not ready for anything like that.  Sometimes I get lost in being a mom and forget to find time for myself but I am happy spending my time with my son and don't want to make time for anyone else.  I am still in repair.

 I have the best child, who brings me lovely little treasures and heart felt hugs.  He tells me everyday how deep his love for me is, showers me with hugs and kisses, we read together, laugh together, pray together, sing at the top of our lungs together, shake our booties dancing throughout the house, there is no better life I can imagine that would be better or more appealing than the one I am living right now watching my child grow and thrive and experience life!  Sometimes my love and adoration for him brings me to tears.  I was made to be a mother, his mother.  I would change nothing of my life.  I have the dearest friends and most dependable family.  I am truly, deeply blessed and I don't take one minute of this life for granted, it goes by too fast to not appreciate every moment. 

Day# 27

Today I am thankful for the few good deals I got while shopping on my lunch break, I am also thankful for online shopping that I finished tonight.  I am thankful for being able to sit in my pajamas and shop for Christmas, candles lit, watching the Polar Express with Brody, with food cooking for tomorrow.  I am equally thankful for being warm & cozy on this cold winter-like night.

Day# 26

Today I am thankful that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is coming on!  Brody has showered, we are clad in our pj's, have christmas mugs of hot chocolate & tons of mini marshmallows, and are snuggled up on the couch.  I remember doing this as a child and watching Rudolph was the start of the Christmas season!  It was so exciting for me as a child and now I can see it all through Brodys' eyes.  I am very thankful for these traditions!



Day# 25

Today I am thankful for this being a short week at work, the calm before the storm of next weeks tax due date.  Brody only has 2 days this week and with pending bad weather, maybe only one.  I am thankful this is only a 3 day week and hope the days fly by!

Day# 24

Today I am thankful that I am having my first of two Thanksgiving dinners.  Having a big, split family does have it's perks!  I've always had two celebrations of the holidays, it's just a part of life.  My mom, stepdad, brother, nieces, myself and Brody got together today and ate ourselves into a coma.  I'm most thankful that my son said the blessing for the family's meal.  He is so sweet and sincere sometimes I just want to cry.  So many things to be thankful for, my life sure hasn't turned out like I had planned it but I am really appreciating and understanding the things God has blessed my family & I with, be it what I asked for or not.

Day# 23

Today I am thankful for Brody's cousin Tizer spending the night with us Saturday night.  The boys are 2.5 years apart and they are so funny to be around when they are playing.  They come up with the funniest ideas and I love to hear them talk to each other when they don't think I can hear.  They fight like siblings but love each other very much.  I love having Tizer or Cabela spend the night and I can pile all the kids up in the bed and especially love to see them all in the morning when they wake up and realize they are here with us.  Tizer calls Brody "Brod" and it's so sweet.  "Come on Brod!  Let's go pway in your wroom Brod"  and of course Brody as the older and wiser cousin "Now Tizer, I am the adult and you will do what I say!"  This morning they were helicopter pilots flying through the jungle trying to kill the big T-rex that was running wild.  All the chopper noises, along with the screaming, stomping T-rex, it was quite entertaining! 
I remember years ago talking with my sister-in-law (aka: my sister/bff) about having our babies and it's really come full circle for us both.  We have our babies, who love each other, who we see several times a week, it's great and I couldn't ask for more!  I love those babies like they were my own and so glad the cousins get to grow up close in age and close in heart.  It's truly one of those life long dreams that have come true for me and I am completely blessed and thankful for that.

Day# 22

Today I am thankful that my middle niece Molly came over to spend the night with us.  I haven't seen her since summer and she is always a pleasure to have stay with us.  She is thirteen, sweet, quiet, loves to write and loves music.  She loves her cousin Brody, although she was pretty sick of him by the time Saturday rolled around.  We watched Hotel Transylvania Friday night and went to the mall and Barnes & Noble shopping on Saturday.  She helped me volunteer at the craft table at Brody's school for their annual holiday fundraising fair.  She's a very thoughtful and caring young lady.  I know she takes a back seat to her older sister sometimes but she deserves her own time to shine and I have every faith in her that she will.  It's pretty cool that I turn up Ed Sheeran and we both start belting out the songs, never missing a word.  She maybe a One Direction "fangirl" but she will always be my little Molly Squally.

Day# 21

Today I am thankful that the grocery store near my house started selling Christmas trees. We had to stop by to get something for a food drive at Brody's school & he was grouchy and that made me grouchy but we pulled in & saw the trees lined up & simultaneously yelled "Christmas trees!"  We stuck our faces as close as we could to the trees so we could smell that wonderful scent of fresh cut Christmas glory and after that we weren't so grumpy! I am so ready for Christmas, I'd bypass Thanksgiving completely if it weren't for the food!! 'Tis the season!

Day #20

Today I am thankful to go through my son's school folder and see all the things that he has accomplished in school.  Today I opened up his folder and saw this picture of a "zuw".....

 

And this picture of a "zipr", a "zgizag" and a "zebur"!

 

 

His teacher has told me that she teaches the children to 'write what they hear' and he's pretty much got that down!  This all just makes me smile!  I can't wait to show him one day when he is all grown up, hopefully he will appreciate that I saved this for him, along with everything else he's ever made a mark on since he was born! :)

 

 

 

 



Day #19

Today I am thankful for the cooking and eating of food!  I am thankful that so many of my fond family memories are centered around food and fellowship.  I grew up surrounded by women (and a few men) who loved to cook and knew how to very well.  I was always in the kitchen helping when I could, working in the garden after school (which was actually more like punishment at the time), canning vegetables, watching my Granny made apple butter and strawberry jam and helping her snap beans ALL summer long.  When I would stay with my father on the weekends he would cook these huge breakfast meals, that seemed to take hours to cook before we could sit down and eat.  He always took me out to dinner for my birthday, and that was always a treat!  My mom, Aunt, and Granny always cooked huge, wonderful meals.
I have always loved to cook, to watch these women cook, to learn how to make food taste extra good when you cooked it.  We didn't have cable growing up but I loved watching Yan Can Cook and Cookin' Cheap on PBS.  I love Asian cuisine and loved that Yan would always end his show with "If Yan can cook, so can You!!"  Makes me giggle just thinking about it.
When I was in high school we attended college day at Radford University and it had all the packets of info about all the different colleges and I saw one for a culinary institute in Baltimore.  I was shocked!  You could go to college for that!  I thought to myself how easy and fun would that be, I already know how to cook! I applied and was accepted into that school.  But I never went.  Fell in love with a boy or something like that.
In more recent years, I spent my evening meals and holidays with my husbands Grandmother.  Living with her for a while, I helped with the evening meals, which were usually four courses and some of the best home cooking there was.  I helped her with every holiday meal, she taught me how to set a formal dinner table, and how to make the best chicken and dumplings & bread pudding known to man.  This time of year is especially hard for me, missing her and the all the preparation that we did for the family for the holidays. 
I have had Brody on the counter tops beside me cooking since he hold himself up.  I've taught him how to measure for recipes and crack eggs without getting in shells, he loves to help me cook.  Sometimes I will pretend like I am on a cooking show, while I explain everything that I am doing in detail to him.  I am thankful for all the time in my life spent in the kitchen, with the people I love, cooking delicious, loving meals for my family, with family, through the generations of my family. 

Day# 18

I am thankful for all the ordinary items I use on a given day that make my life easier & make me happy & healthy.  Yes, I could most likely survive without these items, unhappily, but I wouldn't die. But could you imagine if you did not have these at all?  I am thankful for whomever invented the following items:

1. Toothpaste/brush
2. Razor
3. Deodorant
4. Q-tips (I might die without these)
5. Toilet paper
6. Chapstick (specifically Burt's bees peppermint)
7. Eating utensils
8. Pam cooking spray
9. Scissors
10. Vacuum
11. Gum
12. Debit card
13. Nail clippers

Thank you to the inventors of these items, I appreciate them every day!

Days # 15-17

I hate to lump a few days of thanks together, but the Beasley home was stricken with the stomach flu and life pretty much stops as you know it when that occurs.  I have not seen my son so sick in his life yet and I was in tears as he was sick repeatedly for 24 hours.  It started Friday morning after I had already left for work and being that it is the busiest time for me at work, I was unable to leave so first and foremost I am thankful to my mom and step-dad for taking care of him when I couldn't.  He was still very sick after work, late into Friday night.  Of course, once he finally passed out, I was unable to sleep afraid he would get sick in his sleep and choke.  Saturday we laid around all day catching up on sleep, washing blankets & pillows.  We didn't leave the house all weekend until this evening to go to the grocery store.  The past few days it was hard to find things to be thankful for, watching my normally cheerful, playful little boy turn into a pale, puny lump of meat & bones.  But in retrospect, I am thankful for being forced to stay at home and relax, I was able to catch up on a few movies.  I am also thankful for all the phone calls & messages from people checking on Brody & I, sending prayers and asking if we needed anything.  It's always nice to know that I have such a good support system within my friends and family.  I am very thankful that he has started to eat again this evening and seems to be feeling better.  Now lets just hope I don't get it!  I won't be able to find any thanks in that!

Day #14

Today I am grateful for this time of year, with the upcoming holidays, visiting family, decorating,  eating, snow, a new year of endless possibilities. Starting September through New Years, this is my favorite time of year. Slightly a long stretch but September kicks off fall with lots of family birthdays, into October & I just love Halloween,  next Thanksgiving full of great food & family, into Christmas! I love being a mother & an aunt during this time of year. I embrace every holiday with decorations & fun activities.  It is my busiest time of the year at work & it includes long, stressful hours but somehow I manage to keep the holiday spirit within & share that with Brody. He is at the most exciting age for Christmas & we are super excited to see Santa, get our tree, make Christmas gifts, watch movies & watch it snow. I love the hustle & bustle of the season & equally enjoy the cold, crisp winter nights where the sky is so clear & cold. I love living in Virginia where the summers are hot, the fall is gorgeous with colors & winter is snowy & magical. I am so thankful for my family & friends I will be spending these times with making memories & remembering holidays past and totally indulging in looking through my sons eyes & discovering all the magic of Christmas all over again!

Day #13

Today I am thankful for my friends. I have THE best friends ever! I have super close friends who know what I feel way deep down, who know my secrets, who have seen me cry, who have prayed with me, who no matter what I can text or call when I need to. I have a far away friend who I met at one of the worse times of our lives, discovering our first born babies had clubfeet. Whom we have bonded & share a deep admiration & love despite the 2,000+ miles between us. I have new friends that make me laugh & inspire me.  I have friends who I only see occasionally but we can pick up right where we left off last. I have old friends from school that I can keep up thanks to social networking.  I have friends I have made through my sons school.  I have friends of all backgrounds, religions,  shapes, colors & sizes.  I have friends who know way too much about me and others that only know what little I share. But each of my friends hold a special place in my heart, I love them ALL, my life would not be the same with out each of these special people in my life, no matter how big or little the role they play.  I have truly been blessed with some of the most spectacular friendships during this life & I am so deeply thankful for that!!