Warmth

I'm not sure if warmth could be considered a feeling, but in my home this evening it is.  The weatherman is calling for more winter weather tonight and my little boy is most certainly looking forward to a snow day tomorrow.  We have dumped a countless number of ice cubes in our toilets (as instructed by his teacher) and we will be wearing our pajamas inside out as we sleep.  Our tummies are full of good homemade chicken pot pie, courtesy of my mother and brownies that Brody & I made the other night.  I have a few candles lit, my fuzzy slippers on, a nice hot cup of coffee in my hand, getting settled in for a quiet, winters evening at home.  I can hear Brody from the other room singing a song that is clearly an original of his, only to be interrupted briefly by a "vroom..vroom..." noise he makes while he rides his truck across the couch.   Tonight I feel warm, content and peaceful.  Even though I hear the cold rain falling down outside the window, it's cozy in my little home, full of warmth.  There is an underlying excitement as we await the winter weather ahead. But I can imagine it precisely, a small piece of heaven on earth, when I slide into my bed shortly and completely melt into it. And the love and pride I feel as I listen to my son say his prayers before we fall into our nights slumber.  We have had plenty of snow this winter season and I am most certainly a summer girl at heart, but on nights like tonight, I appreciate the warmth of home on this cold winters night.

“Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.” Edith Sitwell

"Comes The Dawn"

My dearest Aunt sent me this piece of poetry a few months back while I was in the middle of a struggle.  I had forgotten about it until I just found it lost in some papers around my desk.  Once again, I needed to read this.  Funny how things like that seem to occur, just when it seems I need them the most.  Just another reason I believe in fate & timing.  The older I get the more I look back and realize how all things happen the way they should.  I desperately want something to happen and it just doesn't and I drive myself partially insane questioning the "why's" of it all.  However, I know there is something much larger at work.  It always reminds me that it's simply a matter of having faith, because in the end, no matter how much gloom I feel about a situation, I always seem to end up alright, frazzled...but alright.  I have the best friends, family, and an angel here on earth in my son.  I have endless blessings and I appreciate all the little reminders that I get along the way...so thank you my dearest Aunt Joyce for sending this to me months ago so I could find it again tonight.....

Comes The Dawn

by Veronica A. Shoffstall

 

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and changing a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security and loneliness is universal.  And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.  And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and yours eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.  And you learn to build your hopes on today because tomorrows have a way of falling apart in mid-flight.  Yet each new step taken in a new direction creates a path toward the promise of a brighter dawn.  And you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.  So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers!  And you learn that love, true love, always has joys & sorrows, seems ever present, yet is never quite the same.  Becoming more than love and less than love - so difficult to define.  And you learn that through it all, you really can endure!  That you really are strong! That you do have worth!  And you learn and learn, with every goodbye you learn!



The Last Time

Found myself at your door,
Just like all those times before.
I’m not sure how I got there.
All roads they lead me here.

I imagine you are home,
In your room, all alone,
And you open your eyes into mine,
And everything feels better.

Right before your eyes,
I’m breaking and fast,
No reasons why,
Just you and me.

This is the last time I’m asking you this,
Put my name on the top of your list.
This is the last time I’m asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye.

You find yourself at my door,
Just like all those times before.
You wear your best apology,
But I was there to watch you leave.

And all the times I let you in,
Just for you to go again,
Disappear when you come back.
Everything is better.

When right before your eyes,
I’m aching, run fast.
Nowhere to hide,
Just you and me…

This is the last time I’m asking you this,
Put my name on the top of your list.
This is the last time I’m asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye.

This is the last time you tell me I’ve got it wrong.
This is the last time I say it’s been you all along.
This is the last time I let you in my door.
This is the last time, I won’t hurt you anymore.

This is the last time I’m asking you this,
Put my name on the top of your list.
This is the last time I’m asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye.

Questions

Why can't he just be what I need him to be?
Why can't he change?
Why can't he see?
Am I really strong enough to do this?
What is more important?
How will this effect everyone?
How will he feel about this?
Will this work?
Why isn't this working?
Am I not important enough?
Is he not important enough?
What is more important?
Am I really strong enough to do this?
Why doesn't he get it?
When is it going to change?
Why isn't this working?
Why can't he see?
Am I doing the right thing?
Will I regret this?
Why doesn't he just stop?
Why is he intentionally hurting me?
Why I am the bad guy?
Why can't everyone see?
Why is no one listening?
Why can't he just change?
Am I really strong enough to do this?
Why isn't this working?
Why am I being punished?
How much longer will this last?
Why can't I stop crying?
Is this really for the best?
Can I do this on my own?
Why are you rubbing her in my face?
Why can't you just stop?
Why can't I stop crying?
How much longer will this last?
Why didn't this work?
What do I do now?
Am I really strong enough to do this?
Why do I feel this way?
Why can't this be easier?
What am I doing wrong?
Why didn't you just do right by us?
Why was it so hard for you to just change?
Why do I feel so weak?
How much longer will this last?
Why can't I stop crying?
Am I really strong enough to do this?

Begin Again

Have you ever come across a song that moves you emotionally so much that you put it on repeat and listen to it endlessly for weeks?  Have you ever had a song land in your lap with the most perfect timing you feel as though it was written just for you?  That happened to me today.  I got Taylor Swift's new album today.  Go ahead and make jokes, but if you ever truly listened to her lyrics you would quickly understand this young woman is no bubble gum pop princess.  There is certainly an age difference between us, how much I will not disclose, but her soul is from another time and place that is rarely seen in this age of digital downloads.
I put in her cd and it's been playing since we got home, randomly hearing the songs as I pass through between dinner & cleaning up.  I hear this one verse about having more James Taylor records or something like that and of course it stops me in my tracks.  I start the song over and before the end of the chorus I am crying my heart out.  It's been on repeat ever since, along with my tears.  This is one of those moments where it's nice to know someone out there felt the exact same way as I do.  It's hard to explain the feeling when it happens but I'm sure there are many music lovers who have experienced this connection with a song. 
So, as I haven't reached the point in my life that she wrote about in this song, I know it's what I will feel one day soon.....as I begin again.....

http://youtu.be/SOw4EfQK72o

begin again

took a deep breath in the mirror

he didn't like it when i wore high heels...but i do.

turn the lock and put my headphones on

he always said he didn't get this song...but i do.

walked in expecting you'd be late

but you got here early and you stand and wave.

i walk to you, you pull my chair out and help me in.

and you don't know how nice that is...but i do.

and you throw your head back laughing like a little kid.

i think it's strange that you think i'm funny cause he never did.

i've been spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does

is break...and burn...and end....

but on a wednesday in a cafe...i watched it begin again....

 

you said you never met one girl who

 had as many james taylor records as you...but i do.

we tell stories and you don't know why

i'm coming off a little shy...but i do.

i think it's strange that you think i'm funny because he never did.

i've been spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does

is break...and burn...and end....

but on a wednesday in a cafe...i watched it begin again....

 

and we walked down the block, to my car

and i almost brought him up.

but you start to talk about the movies that

your family watches every single christmas

and i want to talk about that...

and for the first time...what's past is past...

i think it's strange that you think i'm funny because he never did.

i've been spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does

is break...and burn...and end....

but on a wednesday in a cafe...i watched it begin again....

 

 



Enough

I would have to say that the last year of my life has presented me with more challenges than I ever could have imagined.  None of which I desired.  I love a challenge and the feeling of satisfaction and pride I feel after conquering it.  However, the challenges that I am speaking of have changed my life so completely. I have fought many battles, learned many lessons, cursed and cried more times that I can count.  I have been forced to feel self respect, exhibit self control, to release dreams, and create new goals.  I have experienced every human emotion at least three times and I am pretty sure I felt a few emotions that have not existed until now.  I'd like to be able to say that I have made all the right decisions for myself and my son but who is to say that until enough time has passed to look back and recognize.  The struggle is constant between my heart and my brain.  There should be a pill that will separate the two and let your brain lead the way at all times.  There are times I find myself visualizing the reactions I would prefer to have so vividly that my heart races.  Instead, I am forced to make better judgement and hold my tongue & fists in place. There are times I just sit and cry for hours. Sometimes I feel so alone and other times so empowered and free.  The range of emotions that I feel are quite exhausting.  I am hoping that someone will create a way to erase memories, people, pain like in the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". I try to tell myself that all these experiences are making me strong, that they are in fact making me better.  Many times I just tell myself that I really need to stop talking to myself.  My faith has wavered at times.  People have let me down.  I've hurt more deeply that I ever thought was possible.  A brave face is merely a superficial misrepresentation of what is truly on the inside.  I sincerely hope that I will be stronger and braver and better when my life has fallen into it's place.  I want to be happy. I want to feel loved.  I want to feel safe.  I want to be able to trust.  I want my son to be an intelligent, brave, strong, courageous man who is respectful and able to make decisions on his own and make his own way in this life. I'm trying. I will die trying. 

I'm Baaaaaack!!

I have been negligent, my friends, and I have not been writing as a dedicated blogger should.  Someone once told me that blogging was someone who had too much to say to an endless despair of nothingness...or something like that.  Combine that with the fact that my life has completely changed in the last nine months, I haven't been in the mood to write or share much.  But it's something about this time of the year that stirs my soul.  The season is changing, the crisp, cool air sneaks in slowly, the leaves start turning all new colors.  I used to despise the fall and winter but as I have aged, I appreciate it and admire all the work that nature is forced to do year after year.  The change is more noticeable from summer to fall, it's like a new world.  The sky is so blue and sharp this time of year.  Everything smells and feels new and clean, even though nature is mostly dying or beginning it's turn into hibernation.  There is just something about this time of year....I feel more alive.

I have recently aged another year, thirty-four years total.  My son started pre-school, I have been making a life on my own, taking it all one day at a time.  My eyes are no longer blind, my mind is open and my heart is closed. I am settling into more of a routine and am hopefully going to work writing back into my schedule, for my souls sake.  I have so much inside that needs to come out and so many new adventures with my son I'd like to share.  I am looking forward to writing again....even if it is only going into an endless despair of nothingness.....

It happened....

Those of you who have known me for a while know the story of why I chose Brody's name.  For those of you who don't, will soon find out.  So one of my all time favorite movies is "Jaws".  I have seen that movie at least 2,000 times and know it pretty much line for line.  About 10 years prior to ever having a child, I chose the name Brody from Chief Brody from "Jaws".  There is a scene in the movie, when Chief Brody is sitting at the dinner table, thinking of the way he is going to exterminate this great white shark that has wreaked havoc on his island.  His son is sitting at the table with him, while the Chief's wife watches from the other room.  Chief slides his hands into one another, locking his fingers together, then the son does.  Chief moves his clinched hands under his chin, the son does the same.  Then Chief makes a monster face and of course, the son mirrors his father with the cutest little toothless grin and it just melts my heart.  Being that I named my son Brody after this very scene of the movie, it has a very special meaning to me, as my son, Brody is my entire world.  As much as I imagined that this scene would replay itself with my son in real life one day, I never actually thought that it would. 
Tonight, we were eating out and waiting for our food to be delivered to the table.  My husband, losing his patience slightly, clinches his hands together and lays them on the table.  Without skipping a beat, Brody does the same thing.  My husband & I both notice, thinking the same thing instantly....so he slowly moves his hands under his chin, Brody does the same.  He then makes the infamous monster face and Brody mirrors him exactly.  At this moment, I actually burst into tears.  I can't believe that this actually played out, better than I ever imagined.  It's nearly indescribable.  For years, long before he was ever conceived, I had the name of my son chosen from this movie.  To have that scene happen, with my own son and husband, kind of brings things full circle.  Of course my husband wanted to crawl under the table because I was crying in public at the table and Brody was none the wiser....but for me...it was quite a moment.

"Father Forgets"

By W. Livingston Larned


Listen, son; I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.

There are things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.

At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, "Goodbye, Daddy!" and I frowned, and said in reply, "Hold your shoulders back!"

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came Up the road, I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were expensive - and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, from a father!

Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door. "What is it you want?" I snapped.

You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding - this was my reward to your for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: "He is nothing but a boy - a little boy!"

I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother's arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much.

Resolutions...Challenges.....

Resolutions...
I have been pondering on what my resolutions will be for the new year.  At the end of 2011 I made a few personal resolutions and so far, have held true to them.  I want to expand my horizons a bit and in the meantime increase my knowledge of certain subjects, in addition, possibly go back to school.  I'm hoping to travel this year, with my most desirable destination being California.  I definitely want to expose my son to many new adventures and experiences as well.  Of all the things I am considering, really the only actual resolution I am making is to spend more time with my family, mainly my brother in North Carolina, my aunt and dad.  As much as I love technology and the expansions it allows me to "see" my family and friends....what happened to good ole family reunions in the park?  I have gotten lazy, depending on texts and emails and facebook to see what my family is up to, that actual face time is few and far between.  I am blessed to have most of my family relatively close in distance.  So, I'm not letting myself make excuses in the future where that is concerned.

Challenges....
I challenged myself during the month of November by posting, each day, things that I am thankful for...and I was successful in doing that. Along the same lines as that, I am challenging myself to read a "classic" book each month.  I tried googling a list of the top ten classic books of all time.  Of the several lists I looked at, they all had different books on them, apparently beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.  I remember seeing a shelf of classic books at Barnes & Noble while Christmas shopping, so I think I am going to start there first.  Some of the books I had already read in school, but how much do you really read a book when you are required to?  I'm hoping that reading some of these classic novels will help guide me in my writing endeavors.  At the suggestion of my brother, I am currently reading "How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.  So far so good, so I might be adding some self improvement books to my list as well.

At this point in my life I am discovering that there is always room to grow, you should always want to improve yourself, not only for yourself but for all the others in the world that have to encounter you as well!