Enough

I would have to say that the last year of my life has presented me with more challenges than I ever could have imagined.  None of which I desired.  I love a challenge and the feeling of satisfaction and pride I feel after conquering it.  However, the challenges that I am speaking of have changed my life so completely. I have fought many battles, learned many lessons, cursed and cried more times that I can count.  I have been forced to feel self respect, exhibit self control, to release dreams, and create new goals.  I have experienced every human emotion at least three times and I am pretty sure I felt a few emotions that have not existed until now.  I'd like to be able to say that I have made all the right decisions for myself and my son but who is to say that until enough time has passed to look back and recognize.  The struggle is constant between my heart and my brain.  There should be a pill that will separate the two and let your brain lead the way at all times.  There are times I find myself visualizing the reactions I would prefer to have so vividly that my heart races.  Instead, I am forced to make better judgement and hold my tongue & fists in place. There are times I just sit and cry for hours. Sometimes I feel so alone and other times so empowered and free.  The range of emotions that I feel are quite exhausting.  I am hoping that someone will create a way to erase memories, people, pain like in the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". I try to tell myself that all these experiences are making me strong, that they are in fact making me better.  Many times I just tell myself that I really need to stop talking to myself.  My faith has wavered at times.  People have let me down.  I've hurt more deeply that I ever thought was possible.  A brave face is merely a superficial misrepresentation of what is truly on the inside.  I sincerely hope that I will be stronger and braver and better when my life has fallen into it's place.  I want to be happy. I want to feel loved.  I want to feel safe.  I want to be able to trust.  I want my son to be an intelligent, brave, strong, courageous man who is respectful and able to make decisions on his own and make his own way in this life. I'm trying. I will die trying.