Dreams

I am a vivid dreamer.  It feels like I dream all night long.  Sometimes I dream one long dream and sometimes I experience several different dreams in between waking up.  I dream so deeply that when I awake I can't determine the reality from my dream world, that I can be so overcome with emotion that I cry or am hyperventilating.  It can sometimes set the mood for my entire day.  Freud explained dreams as a manifestation of one's deepest desires or anxieties.  I believe that!

Last night I dreamed a familiar dream, one I've had plenty of times before, and awoke shaken and sad and in tears.  It left my mind reeling all day.  In this dream, we unexpectedly run into each other.  That rush of adrenaline bursts from my stomach, my heart is racing, just as it is every time I see you.  You see me, I see you.  Instead of you turning the other way as you normally do in reality, this time you approach me.  You don't say a word.  You just wrap your arms around me, hug me, smile that smile I miss terribly and kiss my forehead, lingering just enough I can feel your warm breath on my skin.  In that moment, I feel every possible range of emotions and just as quickly I feel peace and a calmness smooth over my entire body.  You look directly into my eyes, still standing close, and crack that grin and pull me in close. Your son was with you and he and Brody quickly run off a few feet away and start playing together.  Smiling, we walk toward the boys with your arm around my shoulders and my arm around your waist.  Finally.

I wake up.

Disappointed that I woke up, saddened it was only a dream, tears fill my eyes before they even open to begin the day.  All day I thought of that dream.  I thought about how desperately I want that dream to come true. I ache in desire for that dream to become my reality.  Even though I know it won't.  Ever.  What wicked game these dreams are playing on my heart.  I read somewhere that if you dream of someone that means they are thinking about you as well.  I am highly skeptical, but I hang on to that glimmer of hope that just as I lay awake thinking of you and what we could be together, that I still cross your mind as well.

Now, as I lay in bed, the soft glow of my laptop as the only light, I shutter to think what will enter my dreams tonight.  I guess I'll just say my prayers and see what awaits me in my dream world tonight.

Goodnight, sweet dreams....

Bucket List

I wouldn't say I technically have a bucket list per say, but I am trying to get out of the old stuffy, boring routine of life and try new things and experience life to its fullest.  My darling little friend encouraged me to do the 5k Color Run with her and her daughter coming up April 5.  I can't say that I have ever thought to myself  'I'd love to run 3+ miles in a race!'  However, my friend was convincing enough by saying she was signing me up and I was doing it!  I discovered that it was considered the "happiest 5k on the planet" and it was more about having fun with a team of friends, running or walking, getting covered in different colors as you go through the course, all for a great cause!  Our sons can come too and hopefully the weather will be nice and we will have an awesome time!  I'm in no way a runner anymore, but I've been working out more this year so far and will just have to test myself.  I am really looking forward to it and can't wait to post the before and after results of having to run 3+ miles while a rainbow vomits on me. :)

Picnic Adventure

I live in Virginia and so far this winter has been utterly terrible.  Between subfreezing temperatures and feet of snow and illnesses, I am highly anticipating the warmer weather of spring and the humid heat of summer!  This past weekend was a bit warmer, windy, but warm enough in the sunshine to get out and enjoy it! 
My dear friend and my son & her puppy got our picnic baskets packed and headed to the outskirts of town to a popular National Forest site with a pond and walking trails.  There were plenty of geese to excite the puppy (and Brody), some people fishing, some running.  A few college girls had their dogs romping through the water, playing & fetching. 
The sun was warm, even though there was still snow on the ground in the shaded parts of the trail.  Last year, we came on a field trip with my son's preschool class and it was warmer so there were tons of tiny little turtles lazily sunbathing on the logs but we saw none this time around.  We are definitely planning to go back once it warms up and isn't so muddy.  I'd like to go sans child and pop my ear buds in and run for some head clearing, peaceful time.

 

There was a tree that was shaped like a long neck Diplodocus dinosaur that Brody was able to sit on and "ride".  He was fully excited about that!



And of course, no adventure of mine would be complete with out finding a heart-shaped rock or two!

 

This is certainly one of my favorite spots in the area to enjoy the outdoors!  Another great adventure to mark down in the memory books.

Dandelion

If you know anything about me, you know I have a lyrical soul.  I feel music.  I memorize lyrics, have a notebook full of my favorites.  It would cause me actual pain to try to narrow down my top lyric of all time.  The list would be endless.  Sometimes I hear a song and I could kick myself because I think 'I should have wrote that'!  I love the idea of music videos, I should have a soundtrack playing in the background of my life at all times.  I love all kinds of music and have totally fell in love with Kacey Musgraves.  These lyrics are incredible and I wanted to share!

Dandelion

Picked you out and picked you up
Hoping that my luck would change
I let the summer fill my lungs
And superstition fill my brain

A million little wishes float across the sky
But it's a waste of breath and it's a waste of time I know
Cause just like him, you always leave me cryin' dandelion

Sent you dancing on the breeze
And like a stupid little girl
I spent my wishes on a weed
Thinking it could change my world

Dandelion

Falling stars and lucky pennies
Have let me down so many times before
And you're just one more
Oh, dandelion
I'm always blowing kisses out across the sky
But it's a waste of breath and it's a waste of time I know
Cause just like him, you always leave me cryin' dandelion

Catching up

I must say I was shocked to see that I haven't written in several months.  I think about writing nearly everyday, things I want to record so that I don't forget and before I know it another day has passed.  Work has been relentless since last fall.  I barely survived the holidays and was thoroughly looking forward to the new year.  But I've been excited about the last 3 new years and all it's potential but somehow, they all seem to end the same and begin with the same momentum and wishful thinking that just disappears after the sparkle of the new year has faded and reality sets back in.  I've been working on my house.  Proud to say I've finished another room of pulling up carpets and a gazillion carpet nails and installed wood flooring all by myself (other than the brief interest & assistance by my 5 year old son).  I have a hallway and my living room to do yet.  I have a few other projects lined up for spring and have many outdoor gardening ideas.  I've been fairly consistent with exercising this year so far, something I completely gave up the latter part of last year.  I've struggled financially more than I thought I would as a single parent, so I've had to adopt a budget which is hard to stick to but I don't have much of a choice.  I am getting over my divorce and really happy being alone, not lonely, not single, just being by myself.  Between work, my son, school, house work I don't have time for much else.  I'm OK with that.  I was with my ex-husband for nearly 19 years, since I was 16 years old.  I have never experienced being "alone"  my entire adult life thus far.  It's nice to have the freedoms I've never had before. I hear my friends in relationships talk about dating issues and their mans baby mama issues and it just makes me realize even more that I am not ready for anything like that.  Sometimes I get lost in being a mom and forget to find time for myself but I am happy spending my time with my son and don't want to make time for anyone else.  I am still in repair.

 I have the best child, who brings me lovely little treasures and heart felt hugs.  He tells me everyday how deep his love for me is, showers me with hugs and kisses, we read together, laugh together, pray together, sing at the top of our lungs together, shake our booties dancing throughout the house, there is no better life I can imagine that would be better or more appealing than the one I am living right now watching my child grow and thrive and experience life!  Sometimes my love and adoration for him brings me to tears.  I was made to be a mother, his mother.  I would change nothing of my life.  I have the dearest friends and most dependable family.  I am truly, deeply blessed and I don't take one minute of this life for granted, it goes by too fast to not appreciate every moment. 

Day# 27

Today I am thankful for the few good deals I got while shopping on my lunch break, I am also thankful for online shopping that I finished tonight.  I am thankful for being able to sit in my pajamas and shop for Christmas, candles lit, watching the Polar Express with Brody, with food cooking for tomorrow.  I am equally thankful for being warm & cozy on this cold winter-like night.

Day# 26

Today I am thankful that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is coming on!  Brody has showered, we are clad in our pj's, have christmas mugs of hot chocolate & tons of mini marshmallows, and are snuggled up on the couch.  I remember doing this as a child and watching Rudolph was the start of the Christmas season!  It was so exciting for me as a child and now I can see it all through Brodys' eyes.  I am very thankful for these traditions!



Day# 25

Today I am thankful for this being a short week at work, the calm before the storm of next weeks tax due date.  Brody only has 2 days this week and with pending bad weather, maybe only one.  I am thankful this is only a 3 day week and hope the days fly by!

Day# 24

Today I am thankful that I am having my first of two Thanksgiving dinners.  Having a big, split family does have it's perks!  I've always had two celebrations of the holidays, it's just a part of life.  My mom, stepdad, brother, nieces, myself and Brody got together today and ate ourselves into a coma.  I'm most thankful that my son said the blessing for the family's meal.  He is so sweet and sincere sometimes I just want to cry.  So many things to be thankful for, my life sure hasn't turned out like I had planned it but I am really appreciating and understanding the things God has blessed my family & I with, be it what I asked for or not.

Day# 23

Today I am thankful for Brody's cousin Tizer spending the night with us Saturday night.  The boys are 2.5 years apart and they are so funny to be around when they are playing.  They come up with the funniest ideas and I love to hear them talk to each other when they don't think I can hear.  They fight like siblings but love each other very much.  I love having Tizer or Cabela spend the night and I can pile all the kids up in the bed and especially love to see them all in the morning when they wake up and realize they are here with us.  Tizer calls Brody "Brod" and it's so sweet.  "Come on Brod!  Let's go pway in your wroom Brod"  and of course Brody as the older and wiser cousin "Now Tizer, I am the adult and you will do what I say!"  This morning they were helicopter pilots flying through the jungle trying to kill the big T-rex that was running wild.  All the chopper noises, along with the screaming, stomping T-rex, it was quite entertaining! 
I remember years ago talking with my sister-in-law (aka: my sister/bff) about having our babies and it's really come full circle for us both.  We have our babies, who love each other, who we see several times a week, it's great and I couldn't ask for more!  I love those babies like they were my own and so glad the cousins get to grow up close in age and close in heart.  It's truly one of those life long dreams that have come true for me and I am completely blessed and thankful for that.